short novel "I see white clouds" part 1

"Leave me alone! Don’t touch me, I don't belong to you! I was sent to earth to save the squirrels and you can't stop me!!!" The loud screams coming from the next room were deafening. I tried my best not to laugh but sometimes I couldn't help myself. "Come on, I thought to myself. If someone is going to send you to earth to save something, why in god's name would it be squirrels? Save something prettier and friendlier like dolphins! But nooo every week she prepared a different strategy on how to save a squirrel; she had at least 10 notebooks full.

One weekend when she was away on a family visitation leave, I snuck into her room and entertained myself with her notebooks. I've never laughed so hard in my life. My favorite had to be the one titled "PRIORITY MISSION "save the NYC central park squirrels." REASON: humans are feeding them hot dogs. STRATEGY: join forces with governor Gulianni and organize a city wide effort to build cages around central park where the squirrels could feel safe. RESOURCES: 24 hour surveillance by at least five top NYPD. On and on she went describing every detail of the mission down to street blocks. By the time I was finish reading I was rolling on the floor laughing. I thought “if Steven Spielberg got a hold of her brain, he'd make 10 movies a year! But wait! If you think she's weird, you should meet her parents. They go along with the whole thing just to avoid her tantrums. She made them buy whatever gear she needed for each and every one of her missions. One day she came back from her visitation weekend wearing head to toe army gear; that week she was saving the squirrels from Afghanistan.

I hate it here but I love it here. I hate it because I feel confined and useless, but I love it because it's the only place where I know I'm a little bit better off than everyone else. "Out there" that's what I call the world, I feel judged, lost, and alone. In here at least I have a squirrel hero to make me laugh.

Tuesday session #1

A proffecional woman sat on a wingtip chair; she asked me to lay on a chaise lounge. She proceeded to ask me questions about the first time I remember "drifting.". So, I started to tell her. 
... It was a day with a blazing hot sun, bright blue skies covered in playful big, white, fluffy clouds, of all shapes and sizes. Fields and fields of wheat standing proud and TALL; the higher the wheat the more treasures I found. Running through the wheat fields was my favorite pass time as a child. I would wake up in the morning, while still wearing my night gown, even before breakfast, I ran out to the field. My mom didn't understand why I enjoyed it so, but I wasn't discouraged; there were hidden treasures there that only I could see.

I enjoyed lying on the ground to stare up at the clouds. As I looked up, I would make up stories, every cloud told a different part of the story.  Depending on what cloud caught my attention first, that’s what the story would be about.  On one specific day it was a castle cloud. Off I went on my cloud adventure, sometimes it took days for me to finish a story, it depended on how many clouds were in the sky. The cloud castle was magnificent; it had three TALL towers, each one with its own tiny window. The entrance door was an arched gate from which you could look inside to a courtyard filled with flowers of every color. The next cloud that caught my eye was an enchanting royal carriage, this was my lucky day! I was on a "royal" roll.

The fort, you ask? Oh I started to build it about two months after “the thing”.  It was a strange day; I remember that  without any warning a dark cloud began to move in, slowly creeping in, changing the shape of the other clouds. Everything it touched became distorted; until you could no longer tell its shape and it became unrecognizable. Within seconds all the white clouds were covered by dark storm cloud. I could no longer see the white clouds, it became as dark as night. The castle lost one tower, I cried as I watched, then the next tower and the third were destroyed. The carriage was ruined as well. Rain and thunder took over the fields..... From the distance I could hear a sharp whistle getting closer and louder. I was afraid to look, terrified at what I'd see, but I knew I must. Cautiously I got up from the ground, looked to my right but there was nothing. Looked to my left and there it was, coming towards me. I didn't know whether I should run or hide, both appeared to be useless. I stood paralyzed with fear; it was much bigger than I, much stronger.

End session

short novel " I see white clouds" part 2

That session was difficult for me; I stayed in my room for a few hours afterwards, feeling weak and exhausted. I laid on my small twin size bed to reflect on all the feelings and emotions that the session brought to my surface. My room didn’t help my mood much; the vibrant purple color of the walls looked like Barney blew up there. It can even get scary at times; when the walls of the room seem to be caving in all around me, it feels like a “Barney attack.”

Lolita was due back soon from her long holiday weekend visit with her family. That was usually one of the highlights of my day. I wondered which squirrels she was going to save next. I hoped not from China, I would not be able to contain my laughter if she showed up wearing a kimono.

 Making an intentional effort to get out of my room, I made my way to the game room. It’s like a circus in there, the best place to be if you want to get out of your head for a while. I usually peaked in the room before entering; I had an admirer that won’t let up. It would have been flattering to have an admirer if he had not been Tom. He was a little man with a huge mustache and long sideburns. Every time I walked into a room that he was in, he’d start to sing in his chipmunk voice “Because you are my lady, you’re everything I need and more.” I could hear a commotion coming from the front door. The guards seemed to not want to allow someone inside. I peeked through the glass window and saw Lolita and her parents

standing outside. Lolita was dressed with head to toe safari gear; I could hear her say that she had to save the Australian outback squirrels and that was why she needed the bow and arrow. The guards would not have it, they wanted her to let go of the weapon. I started laughing so loud that Tom ran to the window to see why I was laughing. When he saw her, he looked at me and said “I’m disappointed with you Priscilla, Lolita must execute her mission or the aliens will abduct her again. That is no laughing matter my dear.”



Session 2

I didn’t want to get out of bed, I knew in a few minutes my name would be called for my session. “Priscilla, you have the ten o’clock appointment, come on darling” said the nurse. I decided I would go wrapped up in my blanket; I was hoping it would help me from feeling exposed. It gave me a sense of comfort. She laughed when she saw me all wrapped up, we both did. She asked me to continue my previous day’s conversation. I told her I wanted to talk about the day the clouds made a birthday cake. I continued to tell her that it so happened that it was my birthday. As soon as I laid on the field, there it was, a cake; I had the best day. I could see kids dancing, music signs, party hats, and a piñata. She wouldn’t let up, “Pricilla, can you finish telling me about the day of the storm?” that’s where you left off yesterday," she insisted. I became silent, a dense sadness took over me, I closed my eyes and drifted away to a safe place.

When I opened my eyes I saw purple walls and was lying on my bed. It must’ve happened again; I had these episodes often throughout my life. Which was what ultimately landed me in this place; I had one that lasted over a month. When I woke up, I was here. I wondered what she thought, it was the first time it happened while talking to her. That day I didn’t get out of my bed, didn’t eat, shower, nor talked to anyone. I felt ashamed when these happened; I didn’t know how to control them or avoid them. I waited until everyone was asleep, opened my dresser and pulled out a gift my grandmother gave me, my journal. I read entry by entry about my previous weeks and months. 

 Suddenly I heard a scuffle outside my door. I stood paralyzed with fear; something was happening right outside my door. I could hear whining noises coming from a soft voice; it sounded like a child. I covered myself from head to toe until the noise stopped. I could see the door knob twisting; someone was trying to come inside. Peaking from under my blanket, I prayed, there were no locks on these doors so that was all I could do, pray. There was a scrapping sound going down the door, a thug on the ground then total silence. After a few minutes of not hearing anything, I worked up enough courage to get up. I wanted to know what was outside my door; I took a few steps towards it when I felt it, something wet. Looking down I could see whatever it was, it was flowing in and slowly covering my floor. It was warm, dark with a somewhat thick consistency. With my fingers I touched it, brought it closer, I walked over to the window to use the light of the moon to help me see; it was blood.

short novel "I see white clouds" part 3

My brain shifted from terror to action by immediately cleaning up.  I removed the blankets off my bed and wiped the floor until there was no trace of it.  Being OCD truly paid off tonight, I always kept a small caddy with cleaning products under my bed.  I put on my cleaning gloves and began to scrub the floor clean. I scrubbed until the floor was immaculate, by the time I was done, I was dripping with perspiration.  I must’ve been scrubbing for two hours or so because my knees were raw from kneeling.  I didn’t however, open the door; whatever was on the other side, I didn’t want to see.  I threw the blankets into a garbage bag and closed it tightly.  I pressed a thick beach towel underneath the opening of the door, dressed the bed with clean linen, put on my earphones, covered myself from top to bottom and tried to go back to sleep.  Day light was only two hours away. 

From a distance, like an echo, I could hear someone knocking on my door.  They wouldn’t stop, then I heard my name being called, I didn’t answer.  I increased the volume on my iPod and completely blocked them out.  Eventually they stopped.  It was almost ten o’clock and I knew I would have to get up for my session or they will get me up.  As soon as I took off my earphones I could hear Lolita rambling in the other room. She was saying something about being visited by aliens last night.  I wondered where they had landed their spaceship this time; the last time they were here they set the lawn on fire where they landed their ship.  Laughing out loud at the crazy things Lolita does, I heard the knock; it was the nurse calling me for my appointment.  I looked in the mirror to quickly comb my hair, I looked horrible.  The huge dark circles under my eyes gave away the fact that I’d hardly slept.  I ran cold water over my face, hoping it would help me look a little more alive.  My eyes were as red as fire; there was nothing I could do to hide that.  I put my hair up in a pony tail and off I went.    

Session 3

As soon as I entered the room she asked me what happened to my eyes, I told her I didn’t know that I had woken up that way.  She began to make small talk as to ease my uneasiness.  She asked me if I heard what happened last night.  I froze, I felt myself drifting; but I held on, something inside me wanted to know what she knew.  She continued, “according to Lolita we were visited by aliens again.”  A sign of relief came over me; I smile.  “Yep, apparently they were here to let her know what a great job she was doing with her missions.”  I laughed out loud and said “thank goodness they were happy this time; the last time they were here they were so angry with her that they destroyed everything in the game room.”  We were both laughing remembering the drama of that day. 

“Pricilla, what happened to your knees? They look raw, she asked.  I was trying my best not to look uncomfortable as I answered “I was cleaning my room and didn’t realize how long I’d been on my knees scrubbing the floor.” She looked puzzled, “did I say too much, did she know?” I thought to myself.   “Oh, so why was your floor so dirty that needed to be scrubbed that hard?” was her next question.  To which I thought, “She knows, she is working her way around to get me to speak.”  I answered “you know me and my OCD, we always overdue our cleaning, never know when to stop.”  What she asked next paralyzed me in my chair, “Pricilla, do you know that because of the type of facility this is we have surveillance cameras in every room?”  OH MY GOD!!!! She knows!!!  I looked down and couldn’t respond, I’d forgotten about that small detail.  She went on, “security brought me a copy of last night’s tape of your room.” At that point I felt myself drifting away to my safe place.  She spoke firmly “Pricilla, don’t leave me.  I can help you, I just need you to stay with me and tell me what happened. If you continue to drift every time you are confronted you will never get better.”

Something about the words “get better” made me want to try harder at staying.  “It was blood; I was cleaning blood off my floor.” I said with a trembling voice.  “I heard some noises coming from outside my door.  It was a small whinny voice; like a child’s voice.  Then I saw my doorknob moving as if someone was trying to come inside.  Within seconds there was a scrapping sound as if someone was sliding down against the door. And then a thug on the floor, that’s when blood began to spill into my room from under the door.” I told her everything.  She took my hands inside hers and looked into my eyes with pity “Pricilla, there was no blood.”   

End session

I ran to my room determined to prove that there was blood that I wasn’t lying.  I looked inside my closet to pull out the garbage bag with my sheets inside.  It was gone; they must’ve come in to get the laundry.  I ran to the laundry room and begged the maid to let me look though all the sheets.  She had already put them to wash.  I asked her if she had noticed any sheets with blood on them.  She said that she didn’t look; she simply spills the

bags inside the washer and goes on about her day.  Oh great, I thought; now I’ll really spend years here.  I have to prove it, I will prove it.  I spent my day bothered, upset and angry.  I went to lunch and then outside for some fresh air.  Could it be true? I thought to myself over and over.  Suddenly I was distracted by Lolita’s new mission gear.  She was wearing an Eskimo suit; the aliens gave her an Alaskan mission.  I didn’t even know there were squirrels in Alaska.  She came over to me and whispered in my ear “Pricilla, do you want to join me in this mission?” I said “of course” I’d learned my lesson by seeing what happened to others when they turned her down. They became an enemy of the squirrels.  She would avoid them at any cost, won’t even be in the same room.  She yelled every time they were near her “ENEMY!!!” it was scary.  I rather put on the Eskimo hat she gave me and join her, than suffer the pain of being an enemy.  Ha ha ha you gotta love her.

It was about nine o’clock in the evening when Lolita decided I was done. She told me that I stunk at being an agent. I went to my room and pulled out my journal; read it until I dozed off to sleep. At around midnight, I began to hear the same sounds as the night before. I got out of bed and tried to look through the crack but I couldn’t see anything. I could hear what appeared to be a child crying, this time clearer than before. I pressed my ear against the door, the tiny voice was saying something but I couldn’t make out what it was. The doorknob began twisting, I felt as if my knees where going to give way. I felt the cold chill of fear go through my body; someone was trying to come inside. They started to open the door but I pushed myself against it. A whisper came from the other side “Priscilla, open the door.”

short novel "I see white clouds" part 4

No! I said, get away from here. At that point I felt the door swing open causing me to fall on the ground. The room was so dark, I couldn’t see who or what it was. A flash of light

came from the front of the door, it was security holding a flashlight; they saw me get up from my bed and wanted to make sure I was ok. I started to sob uncontrollably. I told her all that was happening to me and she said that if it would make me feel better she’d let me look at the surveillance video. I agreed, we walked across the dark long hallway. The only light was the flashlight she held to guide us along; this place looked even sadder at night. I was terrified as she searched for the footage; I knew that once she saw what truly happened, she would be upset that she didn’t catch it. She found it; there I was sleeping on my bed, then peaking through the blanket. “That’s when I first heard the sound.” I explained to security. My eyes were glued to the screen; I saw myself get up from the bed and head towards the door. I looked down at my feet, I looked startled and afraid. I saw myself bending down to touch the floor then walking towards the window. Lastly like an out of body experience I stood there watching myself scrub the floor raw. She forwarded an hour of footage and I was still scrubbing; there was no blood.

I starred and starred at the computer; who was that girl? She scared me, I didn’t recognize myself. I could see the sweat dripping from my face and unto the floor as I desperately tried to clean something that wasn’t really there. Tears ran down my cheeks, “What’s wrong with me?” I repeated to myself out loud. “I’m sorry Priscilla” said the security woman as she walked me back to my room. I could not stop the tears from coming down my face. I was terrified, something was happening to me that I could not control. I sat on the edge of my bed the rest of the night; didn’t sleep at all. Before i knew it,  it was ten o’clock in the morning again; the days seemed to run one into another here. I got my appointment knock and call. I didn’t even bother to comb my hair, much less get dressed.

Session 4

As soon as I walked through the door, without as much as a greeting, I prostrated myself on the floor. I wanted answers, I needed answers. Without hesitation, as if she knew exactly what had happened the night before, she asked “Priscilla are you ready to tell me about the “thing” that happened during the storm?” I wasn’t, I will never be. She sat next to me on the floor and continued to talk. “Priscilla, the longer you put this off, the longer you will suffer. You do have control; only you can determine how long you will hurt. Please let me help you.” I sat up and yelled looking up towards the ceiling “You don’t understand!!!! I can’t!!!! I can’t say it!!!!! Whenever I get close to telling you, I drift away.” “Let’s try again,” she said, “let’s keep on trying until we get there,” she insisted. I buried my face between my knees, closed my eyes and fought as hard as I could to stay.

With the heaviest of hearts I talked. “I was not hurting anyone; I was a nine year old child, simply lying on the ground looking at the clouds. I don’t understand why it happened; why to me, why to us?” What happened Priscilla? she asked. I could hardly continue I had to constantly pull myself out of the drift; I was getting exhausted. Whispering I tried again “The dark clouds began to slowly move in; within minutes the skies became dark. All the white clouds were gone, the three towers of the castle destroyed; only the storm clouds remained. That’s when I heard it; the whistle coming towards me. The sound changed as it came closer; from a whistle to a siren to a rumble, and then it was there; directly in front of me.” I had to stop talking, my body was becoming numb; I could not feel my hands. A cold sweat took over my body. I wanted to drift.

“Priscilla, you can do this,” she said, “This is the closest you have ever gotten to telling me. I’m here and you are safe now, please stay,” she kept saying in my ear. With my heart beating out of my chest, feeling out of breath, I had to push through. I continued, “The thing looked down at me, it lifted me from the ground, twirled me around and around, and

as I twirled, I could feel other things it had lifted off the ground as well. Finally it threw me to the ground again.” After I told her that, I totally lost control of myself. I felt my soul come out of my body as I stood up and screamed. “IT DESTROYED EVERYTHING, THE FIELD BECAME BARREN, IT PULLED ALL THE WHEAT FROM ITS ROOT. MY HOUSE WAS PUVERIZED. IT CHANGED THE TRAIL THAT LED ME HOME, I COULDN’T FIND MY WAY BACK, IT LEFT ME LOST, ALONE AND AFRAID.” I drifted.

short novel "I see white clouds" part 5

I was told that during my drifting I go about my day, but I have a glassy look in my eyes. Almost like a walking zombie. I don’t remember much about the days I spend that way. After my last session I believe I was about three days in that state. What brought me back  

was the incident with Lolita. It happened during family visitation day. The facility hosted a lunch for the families of the admitted; this occurred a few times a year. What I enjoyed most about it was that everything was immaculate. The walls were washed down, the floors waxed, and the couches and chairs professionally cleaned. All of the blinds where opened, allowing the brightness of the sun to shine through. There was music, fresh flowers, and great food. A huge “welcome family” sign hung outside the building. Balloon bouquets adorned both sides of the entry door.

 Everyone was in high spirits, but for Tom, especially, this was a very important day. This was the only day he saw his mother, she came to visit him once a year. She married a millionaire from Europe and lived the high life. She spent her days traveling, hosting

parties and social events. She insisted everyone called her Madam Camille. I knew this because there was a bulletin board on the hallway where the staff clipped postcards from relatives. Hers were the most elaborate with pictures of exotic places like Fiji and always signed “Madam Camille”. Poor Tom, he’d stand in front of it for hours staring at the postcards. I could not bear to look at him as he sat next to her and she completely ignored him. On that only day that she would come to visit; not only would she come late and leave early, but while she was there she spent her entire time trying to impress the families and staff with her travels and her money. It was the saddest thing to watch. I heard one of the staff members say that Madam Camille put Tom in a USA institution because she was too ashamed to have him put in one in Europe.

Precisely on that day, I was awakened out of my drift by a "red code" alarm. When I became present, I was sitting on a chair in my bedroom. I could hear people running down the hall screaming. I opened the door; the security guards were heading towards the game room. I could hear a big commotion; one of the patients was yelling “it’s Lolita, its Lolita. My stomach immediately went into knots. “What happened to her, is she in trouble or hurt? My mind was racing, I had to find her, help her! I walked out into the hallway and looked down the hall; all I could see was Lolita rolling around on the floor with what appeared to be a stuffed animal of some sort. There were people all around trying to take it away from her. I didn’t understand what was happening. As I got closer I panicked, that was no stuffed animal she was attacking, that was Madam Camille wearing a “squirrel” skin coat!!!!  Lolita was trying to take it off of her. I know I should not be laughing but I couldn’t help myself; the laughter was coming from my belly and I could not stop. When the security guards heard me laughing so hard they started laughing too. To see Madam Camille rolling on the floor with her hair completely in shambles, in a tug of war with Lolita over her coat, was nothing short of hilarious!!!

Session 5

After spending the first ten minutes of my session talking and laughing about Lolita’s incident, we got right back to business. She started by telling me how proud she was that I had managed to talk about the storm. She explained that my drifting is my way of not feeling emotions nor dealing with pain. I felt hopeful when she said that the episodes will become far in between and eventually disappear the more I deal with what has caused me pain. Then she asked “are you ready to continue?” NO!!! I will never be ready!!! As much as I felt like telling her that, I was tired of living this way. I wanted freedom, I began to talk. “I was badly hurt, so much so that I thought I might bleed to death. I had cuts on my legs, bruises on my arms, the injury on my side, especially was deep enough to bleed nonstop for days. After the storm I spent days trying to find my way home. When I finally arrived, there was nothing but debris. My entire neighborhood had disappeared. I looked through the ruble trying to find something to salvage, but there was nothing. I made my way back to the field, although it was leveled by the storm and no wheat was left, it was all I had, it was all I knew.” I surprised myself, not once did I feel the need to drift during this session, something strange was happening. I feel as if I could talk for hours, I wanted to talk for hours and I did.

She cancelled all of her appointments for that day and allowed me to talk and talk and talk. I told her how when I realized that I was alone and that no one was going to help me heal my wounds, protect me, or care for me, I decided to take care of myself the best way I could. I went back to the field, but this time it wasn’t to look at the white clouds, I was determined to build a fort. From that day on, I never looked up at the sky again. I spent my days, months, years, looking for logs, nails, and rocks. My fort was stronger and taller every day; no storm will ever destroy me again. I felt strong, powerful and in control; but deep inside I was terrified. Every day I thought it was going to be the day that another storm would come. I lived anticipating, waiting, in expectancy, in agony. Every passing wind or drop of rain would send me running to my fort. It was a never ending fight against the storm. After many years, I noticed that my wounds were not healing, on the contrary, they had become infected and the infection was spreading throughout my entire body. I could not keep up the fort any longer; I didn't have the strength.

End session

By the time I finished that days session it was 7:00 pm; I talked for hours and she listened.  I walked over to the dinner hall and sat by Lolita and Tom at the table.  Tom was apologizing to Lolita for his mom's

coat; Lolita still looked angry.  I asked what ended up happening with the coat, Tom told me Lolita threw it into the fireplace.  I let out a scream accompanied with laughter, Lolita and Tom looked at me and we all started to laugh uncontrollably.   We laughed and laughed until tears were rolling down our faces and our sides hurt.  I had never seen those two as much as smile; it was a good day.  

By 9:00 pm I wanted to go to bed, I left exhausted.  Today's session drained every ounce of strength out of me; but I felt lighter.  I read my journal for a few minutes and immediately fell into a deep peaceful sleep.  Until I was awoken by a scratching sound, it sounded like someone was running their nails down my door.  It startled me, I sat up on my bed to listen closely.  A small child was crying, I could hear it much clearer now.  I felt as if the voice was coming from the small opening at the bottom of the door.  As if someone was laying on the floor trying to be heard from underneath.  The child's voice was weak but desperate, finally I could make out what it was saying. "Priscilla, help me."  I began to see blood starting to spill through the door again but this time, I wasn't afraid.

short novel "I see white clouds" Part 6

I was trying my best not to make a sound, not sure of what I should do next; I asked, whispering softly “who are you?” I could see the blood continuing to spill into my room, everything inside me wanted to jump up and clean it. I went for the cleaning caddy under my bed, but before I grabbed it, I thought about what happened the last time I “thought” I saw blood. I knew security was probably looking at me; I had to act as normal as possible to avoid any attention. I reached for a glass of water sitting on my nightstand. For a few minutes there was complete silence on the other side, then I heard the scratching sound again, then the crying and more blood. “Could it be that I’m completely losing my mind?” I thought to myself. But it looked and sounded so real that I could not ignore it. Again I whispered “why are you crying, are you hurt?” The tiny voice coming from under the door responded, “Yes.” I wanted to get up, open the door, and help whoever was there. But how could I do it without having security see me. I laid down to try and figure out a plan; I fell into a deep sleep.


It was 9:00 am when I opened my eyes; immediately my eyes went towards the floor. There was nothing, it was clean. I showered, got dressed and combed my hair; I couldn’t wait to get to my session. I ran into the dining hall to eat a yogurt and a banana. When I

looked towards the courtyard, there they were Lolita and Tom holding hands. I could hardly believe my eyes, I knew that they became inseparable after the Madam Camille’s coat incident but I never thought this!!! Oh my goodness, I busted out into laughter. They heard me and immediately let go of each other’s hand. Lolita ran inside towards me and in an apologetic tone said “I’m sorry Priscilla, we wanted to tell you but we were waiting for the right time. We knew how it would break your heart.” “WHAT?!?!?! Break my heart… really?!? Oh darling you could have the mustache, sideburn, tiny, chipmunk all to yourself”…. It’s what I wanted to say, but instead I said. “Don’t worry, in time, I will get over it.” hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I was busting inside. Tom came into the dining hall looking more afraid than a deer in headlights. I heard Lolita telling him “she didn’t take it well” to what Tom responded “I told you.”


Session 6

 I started by telling her how my heart had just been broken into a million little pieces. We laughed so loud, we were afraid someone would hear us. With a smile, she told me that I looked much better than when I first arrived, I agreed. Then I said “well, I feel better but my nights are becoming more and more strange.” I continued to share with her what happened the night before. How I could now hear the voice clearly and that we seemed to have communicated. She looked puzzled, and then asked me how I felt while it was happening. “I didn’t feel any fear; I did however have the anxiety of wanting to clean up the blood.” I said to her. “When I asked if it was hurt and the tiny voice said “yes” I felt the need to help, to heal, to care for it,” I added. “Ok she said, if you promise me that you will stay safe, I will ask security to not intervene so we can get to the bottom of this.” I wasn’t sure what to say, part of me wanted her to say; just ignore it and it will go away. But she didn’t, she wanted to get to the bottom of it. Sometimes I really didn’t like her. UGH! Before my session was over, she received an emergency call via the intercom. She told me our session would have to end because she had to attend to an emergency matter.


A handsome man was waiting outside her door. He was tall, with dirty blond hair, hazel eyes and a strong physique. He reminded me a little of Ben Affleck. She asked him to go inside her office. I felt butterflies in my stomach as he walked passed me and said good

morning. “Well, it just got better!” it’s what I wanted to answer hahaha but I said “thanks, good morning to you too” instead. My heart was beating faster than a speeding bullet. I felt flustered and as giddy as a school girl. “Who was that man?” I wanted to know. An hour passed, I was having lunch with Lolita and Tom in the courtyard. What happened next literally almost made me fall off my seat. The “man” was walking towards our table; he was staring right at us. With the most deep, manly, melodic voice I’d ever heard he said “good afternoon, mind if I join you?” OH MY GOD!!!!! I wouldn’t mind if you married me!!! Let alone join me!?!?!! Were my thoughts, but Lolita quickly answered, “sure, help yourself to a seat.” She was as cool as a cucumber. HAVE SOME REVERANCE WOMAN, can’t you see this man is a GOD!! Hahaha. The man sat, looked at Tom and said “introduce me to your friends, little brother.”  


I couldn’t get passed the shock of that man being Tom’s brother; well half brother on his mother’s side, but brother nonetheless. Shortly after the “man” sat down, I excused myself to give the brothers some privacy and to get passed the shock as well. I went to my room, sat on my chair and reached for my key to open the top drawer of my nightstand to get my

journal. The journal wasn’t there. Being anal about order, I knew that was where I put it every day religiously. I carried the key with me everywhere on a yarn bracelet around my wrist. I began to perspire, my hands to shake, where could it be? I rocked back and forth on my chair, there has to be a logical explanation for its disappearance. Extreme anxiety began to come over me, I felt my body going limb, I started to shake, and to feel cold chills running down my back. Where is it? I have to find it!!! At that moment I looked down towards the floor next to the nightstand, the area rug had been slightly moved. I was intrigued and determined to find out what happened, it looked as if someone had move the nightstand. I pulled it away from the wall and looked behind it, the back panel appeared as if it had been removed and replaced. Taking an even closer look, there were scratch marks on it and what appeared to be dried blood on the very bottom of the panel. “How did it manage to get inside?” I asked myself, "and why did it take my Journal?"

short novel "I see white clouds" Part 7

I was upset, annoyed and frustrated; why was this happening? Who or what was messing with my head? I searched my room from wall to wall trying to be logical about my missing journal. I cleaned and rearranged my room completely. I moved the bed, which was the heaviest piece of furniture in the room, to the wall facing the door. I loved that bed; it was an espresso brown sleigh bed; sophisticated with a touch of chic. I placed my bright yellow cushiony, comfy chair on the wall to the left of the bed by the window. My six drawer dresser and oval mirror I put on the right side of the room. I dusted everything, sprayed the earthly tan area rug with carpet freshener, and mopped the natural wood floor with a small swifter mop I kept in my bathroom. Lastly, I changed my bedding; there was an unopened bed in a bag in the closet that I was saving for a special occasion like Christmas or spring or summer. I ripped it open; the comforter was a lush cream color with a solid satin trim. The sheets were also cream; my bed looked like it was a torned off page from a JC Penny’s catalog. Inside the bag there were four deco pillows. They had delicate long stemmed tulips embroidered in the center. The flowers were purple, pink, green and yellow.

I was so excited that I dressed the bed even though it was bed time. I turned on the lamps on both side tables and shut off the ceiling light. With the soft light of the lamps, the room

took on a warm luxurious look. I remembered I had some lavender plug-ins in my closet, again, saving them for a special day. I plugged them in and within minutes the room smelled like a spring garden when the flowers were in full bloom. By the time I was done I had forgotten what I was looking for; my room looked beautiful, spacious, cozy, bright, even the purple walls didn’t look so bad anymore. I loved it; I wish I would’ve made this change sooner. I didn’t realize this room had so much potential. It was 11:00pm and I was exhausted. After a quick shower, as I walked out into my room, I looked around in amazement, took in the smell; the space took my breath away. It had an entirely new feel and vibe. It looked vibrant, joyful, rejuvenated, and simply alive.

Pulling the covers to cuddle in my beautiful bed, I wondered what would happen tonight. I’d hope I could get a good night’s sleep but I’d also hoped I could finally figure out what was happening. That’s when I decided if it happened, I will face it. In the mean time I put some soft jazz on, and allowed myself to enjoy my surroundings. With a big smile I fell into a deep sleep and didn’t wake up until I felt the bright sun shining through my window. When I opened my eyes I didn’t know where I was, it looked like a room from a luxury hotel. With the dresser no longer covering the window, the sun could come inside and brighten up the room. I had never felt so refreshed after a night’s sleep. It was the weekend, so I didn’t have any sessions; I wished I could have shown her my room. We did however have a special event happening. Different corporations were sending representatives to our facility, they were going to interview to offer either job training or schooling opportunities to us. 

I styled my hair, put on some make up, and looked in my closet to figure out what I’d wear. I didn’t own any dresses; I didn’t like them. I loved to be comfortable and free to climb

trees, run through fields and explore the outdoors. I pulled out a black comfortable skirt and an emerald green blouse. I took a long look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t see that lost look in my eyes that I’d had for years following the storm. My green eyes had a sparkle I hadn’t seen since I was a child, my brown hair looked shiny and healthy. When I got here I was weak, weighed about 95 lbs, and walked looking towards the ground afraid to face anyone. As I looked at myself now, I could hardly recognize that amazing body starting back at me. LOL I had avoided looking in the mirror for so long,  I hadn’t even noticed my changes until now. I looked strong and confident, hmmmm I’d dare say beautiful. I smiled at myself, took a deep breath and headed out to face the day.

Walking into the conference room, I felt as if all eyes were on me; and I didn’t mind one bit. I strolled about with confidence; I could not believe how far I’ve come. The first display table that caught my attention was horticulture. I was intrigued by everything that had to do with mother earth. A sweet woman approached me and asked if I’d like to be considered for a career in the field. Before I said yes, thoughts of my "drifting" came to mind. I remembered that because of it, I had not been able keep a job, focus, or even finish college. I told her that I’d love to but that I didn’t know if I could. That’s when what I'd been told in my sessions came to mind; the more I talk the farther in between the drifting would become until they would eventually fade away. I realized I could hardly remember the last time I’d had an episode; I began to believe that maybe I could do this or that I should at least give it a shot. She handed me a pen and a signup sheet and said “write your name here, we will begin the interviews at three o’clock. If by then you decide, please come on in, we’d love to meet you.” Butterflies began floodering in my stomach I felt excitement and nervousness all at the same time. I’ve never felt hopeful before, I could literally close my eyes and see myself working in a field with all different types of plants. I wanted to be a part of a team that discovered and developed holistic medicine. The more I thought about it the more clearly I could see the full vision of what I wanted to do with my life.  I could see it, almost feel it, I had hope. I could hardly contain my excitement, I felt a passion rise up within in me, a passion I never thought I had.  

I was trying to contain myself but I couldn't, I sprinted back to the horticulture table.  Afraid I would lose my courage I opened my mouth immediately to say,"if you'd have me, I'd be honored to be considered for your program." I was teary eyed, I wanted this more than anything.  Please give me a chance, I thought to myself.  Without saying a word she took my hand and walked me into a room.  There was a panel of four people sitting behind a table and a chair in front of the table facing them.  After talking to them briefly, she turned to me and said "Priscilla, take a seat, they will interview you now."
WHAT, NOW?!?! OMG!!!!!!! 

short novel "I see white clouds" PART 8

Reluctantly and petrified I sat on the hot seat, my knees where trembling, my hands were sweating, I swore I could feel my body shaking. I took a few deep breaths and said to myself "you got this Priscilla, you got this." The woman in the panel greeted me with a cold hello. Everyone else just knotted. A man began the interview by asking me a question "What interests you about horticulture; why should we consider you for this opportunity?" The panel was staring at me, waiting for a response, I froze. I put my head down and closed my eyes. But instead of drifting, I got a mental glimpse of myself on a field, working the grounds with my hands, planting, experimenting and discovering. At that point I felt as if someone else took over and left me behind. Confidently, I looked up at the panel and said “Honestly, I don’t know what you would like to hear from your candidates, but from me, you will get exactly how I feel. When I was a little girl, I enjoyed playing in the fields; my favorite pastime was laying on the wheat to look up at the white clouds to make up wonderful stories about what they resembled. One day while on the field I experienced a disastrous storm. That’s when I learned what a storm could do; it destroys. I saw it distort the beautiful white clouds until they lost their form. I saw it convert a beautiful blue sky into a dark abyss; it pulled trees from their roots, leveled the wheat fields and devoured everything in its path.” I felt myself getting emotional, my heart was beating out of my chest, and my eyes were swelling up with tears. Not because I was nervous, but because I felt passion rising up from the depth of my soul.

With even more boldness than before I looked at each one of them in their eyes and continued by saying “you see Mr., when you experience a storm like that in your life, you never again look up to see a white cloud, a drop of rain, a flash of lighting, or the sound of thunder makes you so afraid that it sends you into hiding. Until one miraculous day, when you realize that you survived it, that the storm took the lives of everyone you loved but you survived. That’s when your life changes. You want to be a part of something that brings restoration instead of destruction, joy instead of sadness and life instead of death. I want to plant seeds and see them grow, I want to learn to use them to heal, I want to sow and reap life.” When I saw the panel with what seemed to be a look of amazement; I felt myself shrink in my chair. I thought “Oh no, what could they be thinking, did I say all the wrong things, did I ruin my chances? I rapidly ended by saying “And that is why I would like to be considered as a candidate for your program.” They looked at one another, I think I saw a tear come down the cold woman’s face; although I didn’t mean to make her cry, I’d hope it was a good sign.  The woman on the panel stood up and said "thank you Priscilla, by the end of the day we will choose one person to grant this opportunity to.  Thank you for interviewing with us."

I responded with a thank you and slowly walked out of the room.  The lady from the display table came running up to me to ask how the interview went.  I told her I wasn't sure.   She must have seen the uncertainty in my eyes because she took the time to explain the process. She told me that the panel interviewed for one hour, or six people whichever came first.   Then they would discuss each candidates potential, when they all agreed on one person, which she said, always took hours, because of the value of the program. Which was close to $15,000 a year. That's when they would call her inside.  As they collaborate on what should be written on the letter of acceptance, she would type every word and prepared the letter. Then she would leave the letter with the faculty staff to hand over to the "chosen one". We both laughed when she said that. The last thing she told me was that, everyone else recieves a standard thank you letter.  As I was walking out of the conference room, I noticed a line of about 13 people waiting to be interviewed by the horticulture panel; patients as well as some staff members.   I felt blessed to have had the opportunity of the first interview and knew that if it was meant to be, then I will be.

I headed towards the dining hall to have lunch. Lolita and Tom were sitting next to one another like two love birds.  It made me smile that I never saw that coming.  I grabbed a salad and sat next to them.  I asked them if they had interviewed for any of the companies represented that day.  Lolita responded "we already have a life purpose Priscilla, you should know that by now."   "Oh, I said apologetically, then I dared to ask, "Tom too?" "Yes" she responded "he has been officially accepted as an agent."  I looked at Tom, he looked so in love that he'd be willing to be king of the squirrels if she asked him to be.  "Congratulations Tom" I said.  He just smiled and blushed.   Lolita handed me a memo and asked me if I thought I'd be released on Monday.  I had no clue what she was talking about.  The memo read that Monday was their annual assessment day.  That some members of the faculty staff will be conducting exit interviews for the people they considered to be ready to leave.   I sighed, I wasn't sure if I was ready.  "By the way, said Lolita with a sweet, caring smile, "you look beautiful today Priscilla."


After lunch I headed back to my room. When I opened the door, immediately I felt a wave of the sweet garden scent sweep across my nose.   It made me smile,
the window shade was open, the sun illuminated every inch of the room making it look bright and airy.  I sat on my comfy yellow chair and looked out my window, I believe this was the first time I actually looked out that window since I'd been there.  To my surprise, my room had the view of the crystal clear blue river, surrounded by mountains.  "Oh my God" I said to myself, "I cannot believe I'd been depriving myself of enjoying that view by keeping the dresser against that window!"  I pressed the intercom button to request permission for someone to open the window for a few minutes.  The nurse had to review my records to make sure it would be ok.  She came into my room and stood at the door amazed by the transformation.  "WOW" she said, "Priscilla, this room looks incredible!"  She unlocked the window and told me she would return to lock it in fifteen minutes. I thanked her and walked towards the window.  As soon as I opened the french windows, I felt it.  The freshness of the air, the smell of the mountains, and the sound of the river; it was magical. 

I wanted to run out there, splash myseft with the river water, drink from the mountain stream, and walk freely through the forest trails.  Everything inside me felt alive; as I looked outside that window. For the first time in my adult life, I felt as if I wanted to be part of the "outside." I felt as if I could not only enjoy but also help protect it's beauty.  I felt PURPOSE, PASSION, and HOPE.  The nurse knocked on the door, then came inside to close and lock the window.  I looked away because I had tears running down my face, they were tears of joy.

 

At around 4:30pm I came out of my room to meet with Tom and Lolita in the game room, to watch a movie. I saw the horticultural panel close the doors to the room.  The interviewing process was over.  I felt knots forming in my stomach.  This would be the difficult part, the waiting. Acording to the display table lady, this process always took hours to culminate.  What torture!, I thought.  About twenty minutes later I saw all four of them exiting the room and leave the building.  What?? are they done?? Did they not pick anyone?!?! I thought.  Then ten minutes after that, out came the lady with a stack of envelopes in her hands.  She handed them to the front office, then she too left the building.  I was desperate, anxious, I wanted to scream "TELL US!!!!" I saw the staff open the very first envelope, read the letter, smile and talk to one another.  I felt disappointed, it must be one of them, I said to myself.  I accepted it with sadness, yet still felt proud of my accomplishment.  I had come farther than I had ever dreamed of and I was proud.  I went back to watching my movie, then dinner.  At around 8:00 pm as a group of us were putting together a puzzle, one of the staff members walked passed us with the stack of envelops in his hand.  He was slidding them under the room doors of all the people that participated in the day's interviews.  I wanted to grow wings and fly over to my room as fast as I could.  I simply excused myself and walked to my room instead.  My heart was racing, I held the envelope in my hand and closed the door behind me.  Sitting on my yellow chair, with my hands trembling, I took a deep breath and opened the envelope. 

 

 

short novel "I see white clouds" PART 9

As I pulled out the letter from the envelope, the first words that jumped out at me were: “CONGRATULATIONS”

Dear Miss Priscilla

CONGRATULATIONS, on behalf of the Horticultural Department, it is with great pleasure that we offer to you the opportunity of studying under our “Give back" scholarship. Our Horticulture program is among the top ten programs in the U.S., and our plant science researchers are among the most productive in the nation.  This is a one of a kind program, one of the things that make us unique is that we use hands on learning techniques from the day you begin the program to the end.  We wish you great success in this endeavor.  We are confident we made the right choice. 

 Sincerely,
HDF

I read the letter over and over again. It was surreal, how could I have been so blessed as to have been offered such a gift. I was feeling beside myself, there were so many emotions running through me that the only reaction I could muster was to get on my knees, with my face to the floor and cry. For the first time in my adult life I prayed. I had to admit that there could not be another explanation for my life than the fact that there is a God and his hand was on me. I thanked him for watching over me, for not allowing me to die during the storm. I asked him to continue to guide me in the journey of life so that I would be able to fulfill my purpose. I prayed that his will be done in my life today and forever. I lost track of time, when I looked up at my clock it was 1:00 am. I got up from the floor and headed towards my bathroom, I noticed a shadow moving outside my door. I tried to ignore it; I went into my bathroom to get ready for bed. I was trying really hard not to look towards the door as I walked to my bed. But there was no ignoring that shadow, I could see it pacing, I heard soft footsteps. I stayed sitting up on my bed, waiting, looking, listening.  

What I heard next I hadn’t heard come from the  other side of the door before. It sounded like the sound of pages turning. I stood up quietly and took a few steps to the door; gently putting my ear on it. I could hear a tiny voice talking; it was in monotone, as if reading. I could hear it reading, and then crying, then quiet. I had to put an end to this, I had to know. I decided I’d open the door and face whatever it was. I felt confident because I knew security was watching and if I was in any danger, they would intervene. I cautiously, without making a sound, turned the door knob and opened the door slightly; just enough to peek out with one eye. Instantly I heard a shuffle, then a child’s voice weeping softly. I opened the door a little bit more, poked my head out and looked to the right and to the left of the hall way; I saw nothing. The hall way was dark; the only light was coming from a lighted exit sign on the ceiling close to my room. I stepped out into the hallway, took a few steps towards the game room. Then walked further down to the dining room and back to my room, I saw nothing. Feeling frustrated I went into my room and closed the door. I sat on my bed trying to figure out what to do next. My nightstand drawer was open and my journal was inside. I got off my bed and started looking around my room. Someone had been in my room while I was walking around. I looked inside my closet, behind my curtains, under my bed, and then towards the floor, I saw small bloody foot prints leading to my bathroom; I followed them. There appeared to be what looked like a small shadow in the back corner of my shower, I could see its silhouette through the curtain. 


I whispered, “Who’s there? You are hurt, let me help you.” After about a minute of silence a child’s voice came from behind the shower curtain and said “I’m scared.” gently pulling back the curtain, I responded “I won’t hurt you, let me see you.” Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw, my body grew weak, my chest tight, my eyes filled up with tears, I fell to my knees and began to weep. Sitting there on the corner of my shower was a fragile little girl, she was dirty, her clothes were torn, her legs, arms, and feet were bleeding. Her tiny body was trembling with fear; she had a look of terror in her eyes. I could tell this child had been suffering, hurting, and terrified for a very long time. I reached out to her, extended my arm and offered her my hand. She pulled back, wrapped her arms around her knees and squeezed tightly. Without saying a word, I sat beside her, my heart was broken, I didn’t know what to do. A few minutes passed, with the corner of my eye I could see her staring at me; I remained quiet. She slowly let go of her knees, scooted closer to me and put her little head on my shoulder. 

My heart melted, I felt a deep connection to her, as well as to her pain.  Gently, I tilted my head to touch hers and asked, "why are you here?" she began to cry softly as she said "I don't want to be afraid anymore," I responded, "allow me to help."  She took a hold of her right foot and showed me an open wound underneath it.  I asked her if she would let me take a closer look.  She nodded yes.  When I looked closely I could see this was an old wound that had not healed, it was infected.  She then showed me the wound on her right leg; it was just as bad.  There were scratches and bruises all over her body; her woulds were still bleeding.  I felt a flood of compassion rising up within me, I looked in her eyes and said "you will be fine, I will take care of you." She sat up on her knees and raised her dirty worn out blouse slightly, she let me see another wound on her side, this one was the deepest of the three.  I could see where the infection was spreading towards her back.  Her fragile body looked inflamed.  It was difficult for me to understand how she had been able to endure and tolerate so much pain.   

I took her hands in mine, helped her to her feet and walked her over to my yellow chair.  I grabbed some clean towels, poured warm water in a basin and got on my knees in front of her.  I told her that I first needed to clean the affected areas and then decide what we were

going to need to heal them.  She sat on the chair, shaking with fear, looking around the room, and then back at me.  I began with her foot wound, then her leg and lastly her side.  Every one of the wounds were still bleeding, but they each had a different level of severity; mild, average and severe infection.  Each needed to be treated differently, but healed nonetheless.  When I was donee, I looked up at her, she had tears running down her face.  She leaned forward, kissed my cheek and said "thank you." I asked her if I could give her a hug and she said I could.  Without hesitation, I wrapped my arms around her tiny body, she wrapped her arms around my neck and we both began to weep. I held her until her body stopped shaking and her crying seized.  I felt her relax, when i looked at her; she had fallen asleep in my arms.  I picked her up and laid her on my bed, tucked a warm blanket under her and kissed her forehead.  I grabbed a blanket for myself and fell asleep on my yellow chair.  When I woke up, she was gone, and so was my journal.

short novel "I see white clouds" FINALE

There was a knock on my door; it was Lolita and Tom.  When I opened, I literally had to pinch myself.  They were dressed in Scottish attire, I was afraid to ask.  Nothing they said

could excuse how they looked.  Oh my God, I had to laugh! But I couldn’t, Lolita looked strange I wasn’t sure if she was sad or mad, she never showed much emotion. They both looked as if they had something important to tell me.  How could I keep a straight face? Lolita sat on my bed, Tom sat on my yellow chair and  I sat on the floor.  Lolita started to talk “Priscilla, do you remember when Tom’s brother came last week?” I wanted to say “How could I forget??” I said yes.  She continued “Well, he came to fill out the paper work to take Tom to Europe; Tom is leaving today. Here is the dilemma; we had a mission planned for Scotland.  We wanted to ask if you could fill in for him.”   Oh my goodness!!! Poor Lolita, this must be her way of escaping pain.  “Of course I could, count me in. Good luck in Europe Tom!” I said. Lolita’s eyes looked sad, I could see passed her costume and into her soul; she was in pain.  They left and I got ready for lunch; my heart was heavy for her.    

I sat next to Lolita and Tom at the dining table, there was a wrapped present next to her.  They weren’t saying much, Lolita’s eyes were drifting; a look all too familiar to me.  I tried

to cheer her up by asking her details about the mission.  She immediately focused and went on and on about how the squirrels of Scotland were in trouble.  How we had to go under cover for the CIA to help rescue them.  Tom looked at her, but didn’t say a word.  From behind Tom, I could see “the god” approaching us; Tom’s brother.  He said good afternoon to us, patting Tom on the shoulder he whispered “let’s go buddy, say your goodbyes.” Tom stood up grabbed the gift and gave it to Lolita.  “I will always love you” he said teary eyed.  She stood up and gave him a hug.  That surprised me; she was not the affectionate type.  That hug was worth a million words.  With that, Tom waved goodbye to everyone and left.  Lolita took the gift and went to her room; I knew she needed to be alone.  Within minutes I heard a scream coming from her room, then some stomping.  I ran over and opened the door without knocking.  She was dancing around and laughing holding what looked like a picture frame.  It was Tom’s gift; he’d given her a frame filled with pictures of squirrels.  I spent my entire day with Lolita, wearing my Scottish hat.
After dinner, we headed to the game room, played ping pong for a while, and then watched a movie.  By eight o’clock I said goodnight and headed towards my room.  I heard music coming from my room, the closer I got the louder the music became.  I opened the door and there she was.  The little girl was back, she was sitting on my yellow chair.  She looked beautiful, bathed, hair combed, wearing a pale pink sleeveless summer dress with a cotton white blouse underneath.  She looked at me with a sparkle in her eyes.  I went to her and hugged her, she hugged me back.  She was listening to music on my iPod; she had one of the songs on repeat.  It played as I continued to heal her wounds, the iodine stung her, the alcohol too, but she remained still and allowed me to continue.  That’s how I knew that I’d gained her trust; she knew it was necessary for her healing.   We got ready for bed, she didn’t say a word but I could see a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eyes. Again she fell asleep in my arms; I laid her on my bed and tucked her in.  The song continued playing all night long. 

I woke up, she was gone, my journal was not in my drawer.  It was “assessment for release” day at the facility.  The nurse knocked, it was time for my appointment.  I could hardly wait to tell her everything.  As soon as I walked through her door and saw the look in her eyes, I knew.  “Priscilla, you have worked hard, you gave it your all and that’s why you were able to succeed; I will be releasing you today,” she said.  I opened my eyes wide; tears began to cascade down my face. I wanted to say “NO I DON’T WANT TO GO, I'M NOT READY, I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU!!!” but deep inside I knew I was ready, I had to go.   We hugged, said our goodbyes and I headed towards my room to pack.  Lolita was sitting right outside my door.  She looked at me, she knew, “I’ll have to find another partner, wont I?,” she said pretending to be annoyed instead of hurt.  I took a risk, I didn’t care if she pushed me away, I hugged her with all of my strength and told her I loved her.  She hugged me back.  I told her I’d visit her often, without saying a word, off she went to interview people to join her for her missions; I laughed out loud. 

A taxi was waiting for me outside.  I gave him the address to my apartment; we drove off.  I had mixed feelings; happy for this new chapter in my life but afraid of the unknown.  I still had something I needed to confront.  I asked the taxi driver to take me to the field.  I felt fear rising, my hands were sweating, I had not returned there since the storm. The closer we got, the more anxious I became.  I questioned if I was ready, I wondered if I'd drift and end up at the facility again.   Just when I was going to tell the taxi driver to turn around, I saw the fort I had built.  It was in shambles, there was hardly anything left of it.  I told the driver to stop.  I ran towards it, all the walls were down,  the ground was leveled, except a deep cave I had dug in case the fort was destroyed.  I walked towards it, looked inside, she was there; the little girl was inside!  She looked afraid, terrified, cold, and trembling. I told her to come out and reassured her that the storm had passed.  I extended my hand and she grabbed it.  I was trying to pull her out, she reached behind her to get the journal.  I told her to leave it behind and she did.  She kept her eyes closed and her hands over her face.  She was afraid to look, afraid she'd see the "thing" come after her again.  I guided her towards a valley, where the wheat was tall and dancing with the wind.  I said "don't be afraid, I'm here." I took off my shoes and noticed something under my feet, it was a scar. I looked on my right leg, another scar, with excitement I looked on my side and there was a scar.  I grabbed the little girl and hugged her.  "we are no longer bleeding, our wounds have become scars." We laid down on the field.  I said, "Priscilla, open your eyes, what do you see."  she opened her eyes, squinting at first, then with her eyes wide open she said "I SEE WHITE CLOUDS!!! " I smiled and told her, "its time to dream again."