Marriage R.O.C.K.S. PART 1

When a new year begins many of us see it as a great opportunity to think of things we would like to do differently.  I, for one have quite a few things I need to improve; time management for instance! but that's for another post. lol I'd like to begin this year writing about a topic that has become of great interest throughout my blogging.   No manner what I write about, it usually somehow ends up relating to one relationship or another.  Some of the most popular comments I have received are "you and Oscar are so lucky to have each other" or "you two are perfect for one another" or "I wish my marriage was like yours".... Well, guess what? anyone can have a great marriage as long as you can answer this.... how hard are you willing to work for it?

Although I will be specifically writing about marriage, most of these same principles can be applied to ALL and any relationship.

Oscar & Millie Gonzalez

It is true that I've been married 20 years.  It is also true that Oscar and I dated seven years.  So it is fair to say that we have been together a lifetime.  The miracle is not only that we can still stand each other but more importantly, that we still love each other.  I'm not sure how to calculate this but there must be a different mathematical calculation for couples that have worked from home as well.
 YESSS you heard me right, together 24/7 for 20 years hahaha.  Consider this, couples that work outside the home if they stay married for 20 years, they have spent almost 35,000 hours APART. Sooooo I think that our 20 should be considered more like 40 years LOL

I don't like to talk about our marriage much because I know it might sound unrealistic to some.  But I feel a sense of urgency when it comes to this topic.  There is an obvious lack of relationship tools available to help marriages stay together. Sadly the cycle continues with our kids because no one is providing good role models for their generation.  I pray for strong marriages that will raise goodly woman for my boys to marry!! hahaha You know what I mean... girls with values, morals and respect.   In order for our kids to have strong marriages we must model for them a good example to follow. So as insignificant as my influence may be, it makes me feel better to give my two cents on the topic.

I know this might seem a bit cheesy but I came up with an acronym to help us remember the basics needed to have good relationships with ANYONE but in this case, with our spouse.

To have a marriage that R.O.C.K.S. we must be:

R- Respectful
O- Optimistic
C- Creative
K- Kind
S- Sincere

Don't laugh but I interviewed my husband in order to get his point of view about this topic... LOL I want to make sure I have a balanced post.  In my next post I will be sharing some of my own experiences and lessons.... stay tuned!

Thanks for reading :)

Marriage R.O.C.K.S. part 2

Ok, what is this world coming to?!?! I was at the grocery store the other day and as I was looking through the sushi I noticed that my left earring was tangled in my hair, so I tried to pull the hair off the earring. In the process the clasp opened and pinched my earlobe.  So there I was, one hand filled with groceries and the other hand trying to set my earlobe free. lol From my right side came a man to tell me that I shouldn't scratch my ear drum in that manner because it could be harmful.  I looked at him like WHAT?!? I told him that I was fixing my earning but thanks for the advice.  Oh WHY... WHY did i have to speak?!? off he went to tell me that he damaged his eardrum scratching it forcefully and that he ordered some suction tubes that clear out his ear wax without hurting the ear. Then he says "if you don't mind, you can give me your phone number and we can meet so that I can share some with you.  The box brought 50 tubes, more than I need." OMG!!! seriously!! don't tell me the earwax tube turned into a pick up line?? please don't!! sure enough.  I told him that my husband wouldn't approve of me giving out my number. .... He said "awww man, just my luck." UGH no respect for the wedding ring, but sadder still was the pick up line!! EAR WAX TUBES?? two words for u Mr. "match.com"  Just a little something to make you LOL.


 Now, lets get back to marriage...  I'm already getting great feedback about this series! I'm glad you are

being edified.  I'm not a professional in this field by any means... but I figure these days, anyone that makes it

passed the five year mark in a marriage should share "how they did it" LOL.  I made a decision this year to stop downplaying my marriage.  In the past when anyone admired my marriage I would feel badly and say " marriage is not easy, it takes a lot of work." Although that is 100 percent true, my motive was to not appear to be bragging or seem arrogant..  But today I respond differently, why should I feel guilty about being happy? I adore my husband, we have an amazing marriage and I'm no longer going to downplay it. LOL It's true, we have worked extremely hard to maintain our zeal, sense of excitement, joy, laughter, and communication alive; so why not share it instead of downplay it? 

Last post I wrote about my marriage R.O.C.K.S acronym, I made an important revision... Respect, Optimism, (changed) creative to-CHRIST centered, Kindness, Sincerity. Anyone can start applying these to their marriage today.... There are no excuses for not having the marriage you deserve. Both my husband and I come from parents with dysfunctional marriages that eventually ended up in divorce.  We didn't know how to do this thing?!?! We had no role models to follow after.  What made the difference was our commitment to make our marriage work.  When I say work, I don't mean "stay together for the kids" or "for the sake of the ministry" or "to have a companion to grow old with" NOOOOO I mean "to be HAPPY." My personality is like that anyway, I don't stay is any situation that makes me miserable; job, friendship, church etc.  Life is too short to live by appearances.  At the end of your days the people you were trying to look "good" for wont be around, but your life passed you by and you are stuck with the memories of an unfulfilled life. 
Make a change today! give your marriage all you've got, work harder for your marriage than for anything else you have ever worked for.  It is worth it, this is the person you spend the most time with and with whom eventually you want to spend the rest of your life with. Why not make it the best life possible? 

RESPECT 

We were all made with a yearning to be respected.  That is also true for our spouses.  Sometimes we give complete strangers more respect than we give our spouses. Think about that for a second; your spouse is your life partner, the one you share household responsibilities with, they made you into a parent, they have been by your side through good and bad times and yet you treat a complete stranger with more respect than you do them??? makes no sense, if anyone deserves respect its your spouse! 

Five ways to show your spouse respect

1. Treat them like you would want to be treated.

2. No insults or name calling.

3. Look them in the eye and truly listen when they are speaking.

4. Acknowledge that they have strengths that you don't have and respect them for it.

5. Count on and value their opinion.

Practice these five tools this week with your spouse.... Let me know how it goes ;) thanks for reading!

Marriage R.O.C.K.S. part 3 A true story

Optimism 

My husband and I have been living in the same community for the past seven years.  During that time five marriages have ended in divorce.  This breaks my heart; all young couples, four of them with small children. What's happening? I wonder what could be so bad that makes people think that it's worth inflicting feelings of pain, loss, sadness, depression, loneliness, failure, and worthlessness upon the entire family. What makes people give up? The way I see it, for some it was infidelity, others lack of communication and yet others seeking independence.  All of which are selfish reasons to leave a marriage and cause total devastation on a family. When my husband and I got married as young as we were, we made a firm decision that we would NEVER use the word divorce in an argument. Here we are 20 years and many crisis later and we have remained true to that promise.  In many cases divorce is a selfish act, there are two people fighting to be right or to satisfy their immature desires.  We need to grow up and man/woman UP.

Today's word is Optimism, meaning that although the statistics say that fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce, I will make sure that mine will stay on the side of the ones that make it. Optimism says that no matter what comes our way we will face it together as a team.

I will share with you a TRUE story that was told to me this past week.

A smart, professional, hard working, family man in his mid-twenties met the woman of his dreams; she was beautiful, kind and loving. They got married, he bought her a beautiful house, and they had twin daughters.  From what I'm told, they truly loved each other.  It is said that the young man would do anything for his wife and daughters.  He bragged about them and was rarely seen any where without them.

 Meanwhile at his place of work there was a woman constantly flirting with him.  He was annoyed by it at first but the woman would not give up her quest to seduce him.  Day after day she became more and more aggressive in her approach.  To make a long story short, the man ended up giving in to her advances and had a one night stand with that woman.  After which he was repentant and hoped his wife would never find out.  But the other woman would not stop until she had him to herself, resulting in a short but full blown affair that lasted a few weeks.  As life would have it, the wife did find out.   

Without hesitation she filed for a divorce.  The man lost his mind at the thought of losing the woman he loved and came to her house with a gun to beg her not to leave him.  He was on his knees begging for her forgiveness and  making promises of fidelity and proclaiming his undying love for her.  Not only did she not forgive him, but she filed a restraining order against him for her and their daughters. Because he came to the house with a gun, she was granted the order. She moved away and he never saw his girls again. Everything went down hill for him at that point.  He turned to drugs, lost his job and began living with the other woman. With her, he had two kids.  He got back on his feet, regained strength and became a hard working family man again.  But this time without love.  It was evident that he was trying to do the right thing but that he didn't love that woman.  She was all wrong for him; jealous, lazy, hot head and immature (given the way the relationship started this should not be a surprise). 

Food for thought... what we don't take care of properly, will keep happening to us until we learn our lesson.  We run away from our marital problems by getting a divorce only to find 10x more problems in our next relationship.  .
... again he met a woman at work who knocked him off his feet, seducing him into another affair.  Second divorce, FOUR devastated children.  He married this third woman- she was bipolar, manic depressive and with suicidal tendencies. He ended up raising her two boys, one who had his mother's same mental condition. Last I heard he was going from mental hospital to mental hospital trying to keep these people sane & alive. 

 Lesson to be learned... divorce is not the answer, it only brings about destruction and devastation. The grass is never greener on the other side.  Remain optimistic about your marriage, seek out help where ever you can find it. Save your marriage, its worth it. 

ACTUAL PHOTO GALLERY DRAWN BY CHILDREN WHOSE PARENTS 

ARE GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE

Marriage R.O.C.K.S. part 4

My neighbor and I were having a conversation about certain parts of the world where people have adapted a "no marriage" vow.  She told me that in some European Countries couples simply agree to meet three times a week with no strings attached; they do not share responsibilities of any sort, nor finances.  They both have their separate lives and live separately.  They have a clear understanding that marriage will never be an option for them.  

Another shocking discovery I made was a documentary of an even more extreme case. In Japan there is a generation that refuses to get married or have children.  They believe marriage to be for the uneducated and

the poor.  The trend that they have adapted is going to places they call "cuddle cafes."  These are places where people come and pay someone to cuddle with them. It is the oddest thing I have ever heard. Two grown people lay down in what looks like a daycare cubicle and just cuddle. LOL bizarre to say the least :\  Obviously they feel the loneliness and recognize that there is a need for human interaction but they are going about it in very strange ways. lol

Sadly, what the people involved in both of the above scenarios fail to realize is that they are robing themselves of the incredible joy that comes from loving someone and having their love in return.  They will go through life without knowing what it feels like to wake up, look to your side, and see someone that loves you unconditionally and would do anything for you.  There is nothing in the world like it.  Its no wonder the Asian countries have four countries in the top ten list of suicides; i'd like to ask "How is that working for you?" There is nothing more fulfilling than human interaction and I don't mean just in marriage.

For the 20 years that my husband and I have been married, every morning we make a conscious effort to

say this to one another, "I love you today."  We started doing this on our honeymoon and we do it still.  Its funny that even during times when we have gone to bed upset (yes, that has happened a few times) haha but in the morning one of us always breakdown and says it. The one that is still really upset says "me too."  hahahaha.

However, even with all the love we have for each other, with all the things we have in common and the things we share; I can't imagine where my marriage would be if it weren't Chirst-Centered. One of God's greatest gifts to us is the ability to love and forgive. Knowing that we have to be accountable to a higher power makes all the difference in the world in order for a marriage to survive and thrive.  It is important in all phases of marriage;"I'm faithful not only because I love you, and because I respect myself, but more importantly because I live to represent a God who loved me enough to die on the cross for me." See the difference? "I forgive you because I am not perfect, and one day I might need the grace I'm extending to you today.  Also because I refuse to go through life carrying the burden of hatred in my heart; that would be a sin. But most importantly because I have a God that forgives my sins." yep.. this is how we roll in a Christ-centered marriage.  It all starts and ends with Him.

Lastly, a marriage that prays together... stays together.  Make it a point to say a short daily prayer with your
spouse.  It helps you re-focus on the fact that God is the center of your home and that without him we have/are nothing.  Don't go around wishing you had a better marriage be proactive, do something about it!

Thanks for reading!

Marriage R.O.C.K.S. part 5

Happily every after is guaranteed to no one.  The person you married is not the same person you will be with
five years after the wedding.  People change; it is unrealistic to expect your spouse to stay the same.  In a healthy relationship the people and the marriage evolve. Its what's suppose to happen through the different stages of life, in order to maturely cope.  The problem comes when one or both refuses to make those changes, insisting instead to keep things the way they were.    

When Oscar and I first got married we lived in a fairy tale bliss... LOL we traveled the world; kissed in front of the Eiffel tower in Paris, gazed into each other's eyes at the Panama Canal, held each other tight through the tulip paths in Holland and roamed carelessly admits the Guatemalan mountains. hahaha true story!
I can't even begin to tell you how much things have change since then. We still kiss, but now at the school's car-line, no more gazing though, if we are lucky we catch a quick glance of each other while passing the car keys to take the kids to soccer, we still hold each other but now its more like "hold each other up" after the exhaustion of two birthday parties!! hahaha

The point I'm trying to make... although exaggerating it a bit... LOL its that if I would take those changes

personal, I would say "you don't treat me like you use to, you are not the same man I married, why aren't you as romantic as you once were?"   Thank God for information, books and great counsel! We have been able to mature together.  I no longer yearn for the things that used to be romantic to me when we were newlyweds.  Instead, I fall more and more in love watching him be a great father to our boys. When he unloads the dishwasher?? ... now that's what I call HOT!! haha I'm not saying that we don't have romantic moments. We do, they are just different now... and that's ok. For example, I love it when I'm running late for work and I see him run after me with a bottled water because he knows that I always like to have one at hand. To me, that is more romantic than flowers any day! Keep in mind though that everyone's love language is different. You might be the romantic, flower and candy kinda person.... and your spouse must honor that. Just stay realistic in your pursue of it...  times change, finances change and people change.

That being said... the word for this post is Kindness.  Just in case you just tuned in, I'm dissecting an acronym I made up with the word ROCKS as in "Marriage ROCKS"
R- Respect
O- Optimistic
C- Christ centered
K- Kindness
S- Sincerity

For this I interviewed my husband .... He says

" my wife's kind spirit is like a magnet to my soul.  I love to be with her. Literally as soon as I step out the door of my house, I miss her.  I think the reason that is its because there is no place on earth where anyone treats me with the kindness she does.  She constantly lets me know how much she appreciates me, and everything I do.  She thanks me daily for any daily chore: taking out the garbage, fixing something, changing a light bulb... she notices.  I have to say that the way she presents me my dinner or any meal blows my mind.  She makes me feel like a king! LOL She takes great care of all details from the plate to the plates mat.  It always looks like its put together with great love and kindness even if its a ham and cheese sandwich, she makes it look and taste amazing! LOL  Lastly, no matter what comes our way she keeps a positive attitude and puts all her energy on finding a solution instead of dwelling on the problem. Oh one more thing... she makes me laugh like no one can! I love her!"

Marriage ROCKS part 6 SENSUALITY

This post is about the letter "S" in my marriage acronym, Marriage R.O.C.K.S. I decided to give this letter two words.... my original word "sincerity" and also added the word "sensuality". That previous sentence gave me a nostalgic feeling of sesame street (This post is about the letter "S") haha. Moving on... I added "sensuality" because of its importance in a marriage; I knew I could not leave it out.

Yes, lets go there! I told you in the beginning of this series that I was not going to hold back. The truth is that God made us sensual beings, its our perverse nature that has contaminated and poisoned our view of it.  Since I was a young girl I remember anything that had to do with sensuality to be followed by "uy, eso es feo" could be translated by the English expression "that's not nice."  LOL The truth is ... it is nice! The problem with being conditioned at a young age by adults saying "it isn't nice", its that when you try it you realize they were lying! haha As a result many people engage in promiscuity, therefore making perverse what God intended to be a sacred pleasure for marriage.

 My boys and I have mildly had "the talk" only because of the questions they bring home after hearing the other kids talk.  I tell them it's a special bond married couples engage in. They love each other so much that they want to express their love through hugging, kissing and touching each other.  Their response "YUK... GROSS" hahaha I wonder how long that's going to last :/ lol I explain to them the importance of being married before you engage in sexual activity with a woman.  I tell them that marriage is a life long commitment and that if you are willing to make that commitment with a woman, then you know you love her enough to marry her and bond in a special way. I'm careful when teaching my boys the importance of abstinence not to instill in them any negative feelings about sex.  I have to trust that with God's help they will be able to develop healthy habits in a world filled with immoral pressure.

Back to marriage.  If we don't re-condition our minds and truly understand what God intended for us in the sensual area of our marriage, we will fail miserably.  Sex in marriage is a beautiful thing.  There is nothing more intoxicating than surrendering without limitations to the person you love.  This can only be achieved with true intimacy which is gained through trust.  Think about it, the bible dedicates an entire book describing sensual encounters (the Song of Solomon)

Your lips are a honeycomb;

milk and honey

    flow from your tongue.

My bride, my very own,

you are a garden,

a fountain

    closed off to all others.

 

Your arms are vines,

covered with delicious fruits

    and ... all the finest spices.

 

WOW! Solomon had me at hello!! lol  Speaking as candidly as I can, physical intimacy is crucial to a happy marriage. Everything I have written in my previous posts contribute to an emotional intimacy, but the physical is a byproduct of the emotional.  There cannot be one without the other. When a woman and a man feel emotionally fed (for a lack of a better word), they naturally crave physical intimacy.  I will list a few things I have discussed with several married couples that might help shed some light in this area.

Some important things to consider: 

• Good hygiene! LOL Men and women are aroused by smell. When I talk about the man, I'm not talking about a man that exfoliates, moisturizes his skin, goes to the spa and wears half a bottle of cologne. ! hahaha I'm talking about a nice smelling man with clean teeth, fresh breath and a nice shave, cologne is optional...  the simple smell of SOAP will do. You may laugh but bad hygiene is a big turn off for many women.  
• For women good hygiene its just as crucial, there aren't many men that would be attracted to a woman that smells like sofrito! hahaha A woman that takes care of herself is a magnet to her husband.  We can see the importance of this in the song of Solomon when he says 

...the smell of your perfume

    is more fragrant than spices.
...You are a spring in the garden,

    a fountain of pure water,

and a refreshing stream

    from Mount Lebanon.

...Your dress has the aroma

    of cedar trees from Lebanon.

• Women are attracted to a confident man. A man who is willing to learn about her body and her desires without feeling intimidated or offended. A woman's body changes, what she enjoyed ten years ago may not be what she enjoys now. A confident man would be open to this and not be threatened by it.

• A man is attracted to a confident woman. A woman who is not afraid of her sensuality.  A woman can be sexy at any size. The more comfortable she is in her own skin the more confident she feels during intimacy.   Sometimes as women we get so caught up in wanting to have the perfect body that we become insecure and allow our low self-esteem to conquer us.  Most men are more attracted to confidence than to a perfect body. A good example of this is in the following text where Solomon writes of a woman with a powerful seductive glance who adorned herself with a fancy necklace to show off her femininity... 

My bride, my very own,

you have stolen my heart!

With one glance from your eyes

and the glow of your necklace,

you have stolen my heart.

  

• A man wants to be complimented and reassured.  If he is in an environment where he is constantly being nagged, harassed and put down, the last thing he will be is a knight in shining armor.  A man thrives on his woman's admiration.  The more loved and cared for he feels, the more confidant he will be during intimacy.

Lastly,  keep in mind that once married our bodies are no longer our own.  Lets commit to put some time and energy into making this part of our marriage exciting.  God intended for couples to enjoy one another. Be creative and spontaneous, the setting doesn't always have to be just right, change it up.  If you are a hopeless romantic and need to have the perfect ambiance, setting, lighting, and set-up; leave room for occasional spontaneity. Sometimes all the set-up and planning can be exhausting; once in a while keep it fresh and new by simple surprises that don't require all day to plan. Compromise, don't worry there will be plenty of days planned and filled with romance.... remember, "until death do us part" is a very long time! ;)
 Thanks for reading!

Marriage R.O.C.K.S. part 7 (last post)

Writing this series has been a true adventure. The comments, in-boxes and emails have been phenomenal, inspirational and motivating...Thank you!  We will end the series with the word SINCERITY.  
How many of us go through life without showing our true colors to someone? Depending on where we are and what's expected of us, we choose what personality to use. And that's ok; there is no way I can act at work the way I act at home. Lord forbid, my patients would think I lost my mind!! At work I'm a professional, therefore complete professionalism is required.  At home I am a mother and a wife therefore complete MADNESS is required. LOL  

Sadly, many people do not feel the freedom to be themselves anywhere or with anyone.   A marriage should provide that for us, a place to be ourselves. With a spouse that makes us feel secure enough to be sincere about our insecurities, weaknesses and struggles. A marriage should also provide us with the freedom to expose that part of us that can only be accepted by someone who truly loves us unconditionally. That person who would love us through the good, the bad and the ugly. A place where we can cry if we are sad, laugh out loud, be angry (although never disrespectful),  and feel our deepest emotions without being judged.  A place where sincerity is honored, not punished. This place should be our homes with our spouses.  

Oscar's take on SINCERITY

One meaning of sincerity is “the quality of being free from pretense.” It’s interesting to know that if there is anyone on this earth that does not pretend is a child. A child speaks his mind. As we grow older we are taught to lie and pretend. Do you remember moments when your parents or whoever you were raised with would say…”don’t say that” when you knew you were speaking the truth about something?  I know that ethics play a role in our communication but never at the cost of not being you.  Sad to say, but many of us have brought that pretense into our marriages.  Being completely sincere can be uncomfortable at times but it is vital in a relationship. Sincerity is one of the pillars that sustain a marriage.

In a marriage we should strive to completely trust the person we are with. Their love should be the driving force encouraging us to let down our guard and stop pretending.  As painful and difficult as that journey may seem, it is more difficult to live a lie. But totally gratifying when sincerity is rewarded with more love! 

 

Well said sweetie!! LOL 

Incredible joy comes from knowing that there is a place on earth where you can be yourself and still be loved and accepted, it’s worth the leap of faith in another person. I encourage you to give that gift to your spouse. Reassure them that with all of the good, the bad and the ugly, you will love them unconditionally. Reward sincerity, don’t punish it. Make your home a safe haven for honesty, transparency and sincerity. 

 Then and only then can we say that our Marriage ROCKS!

Thanks for reading!