If I could turn back time...I would

How is this ok?? I have no clue how to raise boys. Come on man, I've lived with nothing but women all my life and then I get two boys; is this a joke? Lol I live on the verge of a nervous breakdown… I’ve gotten a lot better but in the beginning I would be scared to death. Everything “boy” they did, I thought they needed therapy. Jumping from the sofa, to the chair, to the table (ADHD?) They made sound effects with their mouth (thourette’s syndrome?). hahaha This brings me to last night, one of the coldest nights in Florida 35 degrees and they wanted to camp out in the backyard!! Seriously? What girl can possibly understand that?? But, not having any choice in the matter, I have learned to adapt somewhat. I put on my sweatpants and COAT and went inside the tent with my hubby, my boys and their friends. I had a good time, there is no better feeling than hearing your child tell their friends; “let my mom inside the tent, she says the best stories” lol;so sweet.

During this week I would like to share some of my childhood experiences with you. Experiences that if I could turn back time, I would, but there wouldn't be much I would change.  I hope you find something that makes you think, reflect, or smile.  Our upbringing plays a huge part in who we are and what we become. The ideal situation is that as we mature we would be able to pick and choose which parts of that upbringing we want to repeat and which parts were mere lessons not to be repeated. This is most def a challenge. Watching my mother be both a mom and dad to us, gave me a sense of self-sufficiency. I saw her trying to work, care for her home and raise four girls on her own. As difficult as life was for her, I never felt as if we were burdens to her. She loved us and we knew it…. that made all the difference in how we perceived things. I was born in Puerto Rico, my mother worked at a candy store and my father was an ex navy sailor who now worked in construction. Three older sisters the youngest of them was eight years older than I... they still baby me to this day lol.  Although I can’t remember many details about my toddler years, I remember bits and pieces of moments that influenced me in some way or another.

My parents divorced when I was about 5 years old. The only thing that I remember vividly is how it made me feel. I felt afraid and scared that I was going to be abandoned; it was sort of a separation anxiety. I didn’t understand many things; I had mixed emotions because although I was scared, I also felt a sense of relief. There was a feeling of peace and calmness throughout the house that wasn’t there before the divorce. Don’t get me wrong, I am a firm believer in the importance of a two parent home. This is where we learn the role of a wife, husband, mother and father. If modeled well, it is most def the best school our children will ever attend, "the school of human relations". If modeled wrong, it could be the most damaging experience anyone could experience, because it’s experienced during our character forming years. "The most powerful role model in a child's life is the same-sex parent". (Dr.Phil.) I thank God we were all girls and that I have boys! lol

The better option is usually to do everything in your power to stay together.  I can attest to that myself, the lack of a father figure in my life affected my adults years in different ways.  One of my favorite "dad" quotes is one by Sigmund Freud "I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection" I had trust issues, abandonment issues, "male" authority issues.  All which I've had to work through as an adult to be all that I can be.  Growing up and seeing my friends with their dads, I wondered what it would feel like to have my dad in my life.  That being said, there are cases in which "Kids are better off coming from a broken home, than living in one.” (Dr.Phil) When I first heard Dr. Phil say those words, they resonated with me. I understood exactly what he meant.  Under no circumstances should anyone tolerate abuse of any sort. My mother never suffered physical abuse, but as we all know there are other types of abuse that hurt just as bad,if not worse. There is an abuse that hurts the spirit, rather than the body. 

 My mother taught us a great lesson by being brave enough to leave a bad situation. I believe strongly had she stayed, our lives would have turned out differently. The moment my mother left that situation she sowed one of the most important seeds anyone could sow in their children. To value yourself enough to expect better, to love yourself enough to want more.

Our American Dream

 I believe that the minute I had children I had to put some things on hold. If there is one thing I’m grateful for it’s that I decided to wait to have kids until I was in my early thirties.  In my twenties I was too immature to give them my all. I still wanted too many things; to get my college degree, travel the world, do spontaneous things with my husband; I was still very selfish. Thankfully, my husband was of my same mind frame. We did all of the above; I got my college degree, we traveled the world and we created amazing memories by doing spare of the moment things. One morning during our second year of marriage, while living in NJ,  I turned to my husband and said "let's drive down to Florida" he had a panic look to him, I'm much more spontaneous than he is. He asked "you mean right now?" I said "sure, why not?"  three hours later we were on the road! Lol Another time, while he was working in Holland, he had a few days off, so I suggested we drive to Paris, France.  He asked "you mean now?" I answered "sure, why not?" a few hours later we were on our way to Paris. Lol We enjoyed that freedom for eight years, it was so worth it. I think that’s where our relationship grew the deep roots that have sustained our marriage until this day. I understand this is not how it works for everyone; my sisters had their kids in their twenties and raised amazing kids. There are many women that are mature enough in their twenties and ready for the challenge…. But I was not one of them. Lol

Don't get me wrong, I'm far from being the "cookie baking, clothes hemming, floor scrubbing " type.   Most times I'm more like " where are your shoes, where is your jacket, we are late, take your food and eat it in the van" type of mom.  Lol  But at least, I'm mature enough to know that my kid's needs come before mine. Btw, I'm much better now than I was, thanks to my OCD BFFs that have taught me a thing or two. Lol My mom modeled the importance of putting your kids first. She understood her responsibility as a mother and took it very seriously. Her priority was always our well being. I learned from her that, because our kids do not have a choice when they come into this world, they deserve the very best of us, not "things." She was and is a tough cookie. About two years after the divorce she packed our bags and off we went to the USA. She wanted us to have more opportunities; to live the American dream.  But before it became a dream... it was a nightmare. LOL Our lives did a 360, everything was different. It was like living in another world; language was different, the culture was different, and we didn’t know anyone. We went from middle class to "Po" in one day.  As we tried to adjust to our new life, there were many struggles. My mother didn’t speak English, so she had to rely on public assistance to sustain us. 

I remember the first house we came to live in was a rental and it was in one of the worst neighborhoods of town. We didn’t live there long, thank God, it was a pretty scary place.The next house we rented had over six bedrooms with two beds per room. That's when our house became "unintentionally" a safe place of refuge for battered, abused and abandoned women with their children. My mother took in anyone in need. As a young child I remember loving being around so many people. There were games, laughter, crying episodes, and all the drama that comes along with people blending together. We met some nice people along the way that gave us a hand. Some brought us food, a family from church gave us a car, and our landlord brought us a box of toys one Christmas Eve. I particularly recall one day when a neighbor dropped off a bag of bagels. We had never seen bagels before so we didn’t know what they were. We were deeply insulted thinking that our neighbor had given us old, stale, hard donuts. LOL!!! So we had a bagel food fight, almost knocked each other unconscious…. Hahaha Unforgetable times!

*On my next post I will get more into the lessons I learned from the brave women that my mom helped. 

Tearing Down The Brick Wall

Most of the women my mom helped suffered abuse at the hands of their husbands, fathers, and in some cases, boyfriends and even their mothers.  I specifically remember a teenage girl that my mother took under her wing because of the horrible abuse she received at the hands of her mother.  She became like a sister to us and to this day remains an active part of our family.  Other women, did not come from abuse, they simply needed a fresh start, a family to love and support them; my house provided that as well.  You must be wondering if my mother had the qualifications it takes to help these women.  Hmmm that depends on what you mean by qualifications; a professional degree? no … a heart that loves unconditionally? Yes.  I think it has something to do with the fact that she could relate to some of these woman’s pain, that made her so efficient in helping them.  You see my mother’s mother suffered from mental illness, consequently, when my mom was a few months old she was adopted by her aunt.  This was not the best situation for her.  She then got married at a very young age and was not able to finish high school.  After that, she endured emotional abuse for almost 20 years.   So when it comes to pain and suffering, she has a PHD. LOL

These are the key things I learned by the brave woman my mother helped throughout the years.  They were:

• Survivors: They never gave up, they removed themselves from a bad situation and sought healing.   

• Determined: I saw women that were destined for the streets, turn their life around and become hard working women giving back to society.
• Forgiving: Many of them forgave their abusers and refused to allow hate ruin their destiny.
• Spiritual: the most important of all, every one of these women became devoted Christians.

Along with the good lessons I learned by seeing women get back on their feet and claim their life, there were also some underlined distorted messages I recievied as well.  Being young and impressionable; the surrounding situations affected me in good ways as well as not so good ways.  All of these situations helped to feed my distrust and fears.  I began to build walls so that I would not go thru what I saw so many go through.  Every brick for my wall had a name; be strong, stay in control, don't allow anyone to humiliate or mistreat you. We all create our own defense mechanism to cope with things we don’t understand.  This mind frame took some time and work on my part to break.  What I didn’t want was to carry that“distortion” into my marriage and have it affect the rest of my life. 

During my forth year or so of my courtship with Oscar its when I began to notice these insecurities show up.  I became defensive and overly afraid of being hurt.   I remember telling Oscar often, that I didn't need him, that my life would be just fine without him.   So much so, that one day Oscar confronted me, at that point I realized I was carrying borrowed baggage.  I told Oscar about my upbringing and asked him to help me.  I told him not allow me to bring this into our relationship and to call me on it.  In other words to help me bring down the brick wall.  Slowly but surely we began that journey, even before we got married.  I'm a firm believer in "good" premarital counseling, it helps with the things that are difficult to confront. 

Today, I'm a confident woman, far from perfect, but I know my role as a wife.  I thank God for the role models he put in my way to draw inspiration from.  If you can relate to his blog, its not too late to live your best life.  Find healing at all cost, life is too short to live behind a brick wall.  Take it from me, the other side of the wall is where you'll find the peace and happiness you long for. 

Earth's Loss ... Heaven's Gain

I am extremely excited today…. I was able to convince my sisters to write their side of the story for tomorrow’s blog.  They didn’t accept right away, I had to threaten them a little by telling them I would post about all their bad habits. Hahaha JK I’m sure you will enjoy it.  Btw, I want you to know that I feel humbled that not only do you find my blog worth reading, but because you find inspiration from it.  Thank you.

Since I decided to begin my blog by sharing my family and their experiences with you, I saw it necessary to introduce you to another member of my family…. my brother.  Although I knew that I wanted to share this with you at some point, I struggled as to when I would feel ready. Then I realized I will probably never feel completely ready.   So I knew that this was the time, since this is the week I introduced you to my family and he is part of my family…. He is my brother.  A few years ago our family suffered what I consider one of the most difficult moments of our lives.   It changed my life forever.  After my parents’ divorce, my dad remarried and had a son from that marriage.  During that time, my mom, sisters and I were already living in the USA; therefore we didn’t grow up sharing with my brother the way we would’ve liked to. Throughout his childhood we shared some special moments with him in the summers, when we visited Puerto Rico or when he traveled to Ohio to visit with us. 

When my brother was eighteen, my father sent him to NJ to live with Oscar & me.  He was having a tough time dealing with the death of his best friend.  My dad thought it to be a good idea for him to have a change.   I will forever be grateful for that time, that’s when I truly came to know my brother; the funniest and smartest kid I know.  He came as a broken and hurt young man; he didn’t have aspirations, goals or passions.  We took him under our wing; Just as my mom had modeled for me all my life.  Got him on his feet, he became a devoted Christian, started to write amazing lyrics for raps that he enjoyed singing.  He got his driver’s license and even lived on his own in his own apartment.   I was very proud of him; he worked hard to overcome the adversities that he had suffered during his young years.   

Unfortunately, working hard sometimes isn’t good enough, many of us need outside intervention to help us deal with situations we don’t understand.  Therapists, counselors, pastors are all people that can help guide us to the healing we so desperately need.  That, in combination with God’s never failing power and love it’s a guarantee success.   My brother didn’t receive the help he needed professionally; I must say my father tried to get that help for him numerous times but was unsuccessful.  Even though my brother continued to struggle with emotional and mental issues, he tried to live as normal of a life as he could.  He got married and had two beautiful children and was working at a job that he enjoyed. 

There was a period of years where he got disconnected from us; we barely heard from him or saw him.  I remember one time I went to NJ to try and find him. Went to three of his jobs, no one had any information, even knocked on a door of an address where I thought he could be; no success.   I got the feeling he had asked everyone not to give any information.  Running with that feeling, I made sure that I told every person I asked for information from, to tell him that his sister is looking for him, that she misses and loves him very much.  I believe that was a very tough and lonely time for him.  During the years that followed, He became unable to cope or handle the responsibilities of life.  He was not mentally capable to take on all that life requires of us, as much as he tried.

Eventually life took a toll on him; he became overwhelmed with guilt, sadness and regret.  Something he could not shake off.    Slowly he became more and more ill; until the day his illness took him from us. I still miss him, and until recently struggled with the “what ifs” but slowly I have been able to embrace the good times we had and concentrate on how blessed I was to have been able to spend years with him. Sharing laughter and joy; he said the best jokes, had a magnetic personality, loved to spend time with the elderly; asking them questions about life. Had a sense of humor that very few people I know have; he was able to tell you a joke, watch you ROTFL and keep a straight face, which made it funnier.  He was a great swimmer; loved the beach. He could detail a car like no one! Lol

I will love and miss you forever my dear brother... RIP

• I will later post how this difficult time carapulted me into my own metamorphosis.   

Meet my Sisters :)

I want to thank you for the overwhelming response to yesterday's post.  It was most def a healing experience for me.  Today I want to introduce you to three amazing women, my sisters.  They are my inspiration as mothers and wives.  They have been there for me through all the chapters of my life.  I love them more than anything in the world. 

Have a great weekend, see you again on Monday :)

I would've never thought of doing this until my sister asked me to. My sister Millie has always had a love for people and this is another way for her to minister to those in need. Hats off to her, she is so special and like I say; she is the real deal.  I hardly remember my childhood maybe it’s because since I’m the oldest…. I’m losing my memory, lol. My mom dressed all three of us with the same kind of dresses to go to church every Sunday. After church I would change my clothes and go to the park across the street to play baseball (I was the only girl in the neighborhood who owned a bat, ball and baseball glove lol.. I always wanted to be a teacher, so I would go to the back of the house and create a classroom and teach my sisters and neighbors. I was a pretty mean one, but now they understand it was for their own good, hahaha  As a child I used to sleep over my grandma’s house to keep her company at night. Their house was across the street from our house.  I remember lying in bed looking through the window making sure my mom and sisters were okay. As soon as I fell asleep, I would usually be awakened by the loud arguments coming from my house.
My pre-teen years were difficult. My mom was very emotionally ill, going from doctor to doctor and taking all kind of medications, but nothing helped. One day a group of Christians came to our door and my mom recommitted herself to the Lord. Our lives changed forever. There was an awesome peace and joy in our hearts that we had never experienced before. Unfortunately, our home situation became worst. Divorce was the result and the rest is history…you will continue to enjoy learning about it on my sister’s blog; I know I will,,,lol.

I look forward to reading millie’s blog everyday; I laugh, I cry and I reminisce about the moments that are worth revisiting.  And even the not so good moments remind us of where we come from in order to stay grateful.  I love what Millie is doing with this blog, because thru it I know she is blessing and encouraging others.  I even share it with people that need to hear these words.  I’m the third of the four, I was the baby for 8 years; daddy’s girls. That was until Millie was born that is… lol I became very jealous for a while but later learned to see her as a little doll that needed me to take care of her.  We lived near a park and there was always people walking up and down the street.  I specifically remember one day, a crazy homeless woman just randomly walked into our house and grabbed Millie from her crib wanting to steal her, poor lady.  I grabbed her by her hair, kicked and punched her; didn’t let her go until she put Millie back in the crib. hahaha You can say I was somewhat of a strong willed child. LOL
I was a very independent and curious child. By four years old my oldest sister had already thought me how to read and write, therefore, when I got to kindergarten, I was bored!  So since we lived across the street from the school I would jump the fence and go home. LOL When I was 11 years old my parents divorced.  I became rebellious to the point that I was thrown out of three schools for fist fighting. I showed my anger by fighting with anyone, including my sisters and mother.  Nonetheless, I had a good heart.  I mostly fought in school defending the weak. Lol Some days I would cut class to go feed the homeless and visit nursing homes; to keep the elderly company and even comb their hair. Lol Thank God I was able to overcome the rebellion, I was able to understand why things happened.  My good heart triumphed and I have been a missionary for 17 years in one of the poorest countries in the world.   I  will forever be thankful to my mother for never giving up on me. 

  I am the second of the four sisters.  I have always been the calm one.  So much so that when playing house with my sister Sonia, she was able to convince me to eat grass mixed with water by telling me it was soup. Hahaha.   In spite of the problems in my home, I managed to remain focused in my studies.  But that doesn’t mean that I was not being affected by the constant fighting in my home.  I believe that’s probably why I’ve always been the most nervous of the four. It came to the point that I could no longer bare the situation, I begged my mother to leave.  Coming from me, the calmest one, made my mother realize that we would be better off.  Trust me, no divorce is good but in our case it was the only solution.  Although the divorce was a scary event in our lives, I recall the peace that came over our home after.  We never again experienced seeing my mother sad or crying the way she used to.  Our days and nights were filled with peace instead of fear.  My mother became our example of how to live our lives; by loving the Lord our God with all our hearts and leaning not unto our own understanding;  by in all our ways acknowledging him and he will make our path straight. (Prov.3:5,6)