Things we CANNOT demand

Things we can’t demand from others; love, affection, respect and support.  Something I read last night, made me think about this.  It bothered me deeply how sometimes we can get into a pity party and stay there all of our lives.  I've been known to dwell in there sometimes but I quickly shake myself off and “grow up!”  Yes we get dealt with hands that we feel we don’t deserve, and yes no one will ever understand what we are going through unless they go through it themselves.  But that’s life, and even the bible warns us that in this world we will suffer many afflictions.  Now to expect and demand certain things from people when we are going through trials and tribulations, it’s just wrong; and what’s even worse is to judge the people when we don’t get them. 

This is my opinion about things that we cannot demand;

1.       Love is something that grows within us like a flower.  In order to bloom it needs to be nurtured, cared for, and given enough attention to be able to blossom.  Here is the problem, when we don’t want to take the time to do the “nurturing” part, we most certainly cannot demand to get it when we need it.  So the next time you feel like no one loves you, ask yourself; have I nurtured my relationships enough for them to love me the way I want to be loved?

2.       Affection is something that comes as a result of love.  If we never sowed love onto others, they will have a difficult time showing us affection.  If our relationships with others have been based solely on using them, we can’t be surprised when no one is around to give us a hug when we need it.  So the next time we need a hug and look around only to realize that there is no one there to give it to us, let’s ask ourselves; Have my friendships been solely based on using people to my benefit and dropping them when they no longer serve me a purpose?

3.       Respect cannot be demanded, it must be earned.  This has to be the most difficult thing to earn and the easiest thing to lose.  Some of us want to demand respect from others when our actions and the way we live our lives does not deserve respect.  We walk around lying, pretending to care, doing “whatever” it takes to get ahead, and thinking of ourselves more highly than we should.  This causes others to avoid us, disrespect us and distrust us.  So the next time you feel as if you are not getting the respect you deserve, ask yourself; do I honestly respect other people’s time, words, thoughts, feelings and value?

4.       Support is received when given.  If we have never “genuinely” been there for the sick, the needy and the lonely, we can’t expect for someone to be there for us when we need support. Many things in our lives are based on the principle of sowing and reaping, but in my opinion this one is probably the one that I’ve seen come to pass the most.  Sadly the people that I have seen demanding it have never lifted a hand to help anyone else.  On the contrary, in situations where their support was needed if they showed up at all; they would somehow use it to their benefit.  Whether I’d be to promote something they were selling, or simply to talk about themselves.  So when you feel like you are going through something by yourself and the people who have been there for you are there no more.  Ask yourself this; have I been so ungrateful in the past that the people that “know” me know better than to support me and get burned again?

How do we know if we are one of these people? this is the ultimate test; look around you, how many of the people that TRULY and GENUINELY once supported you, loved you, respected you, and saw you and yours through some really difficult times are still around? If your answer is not many. Then you are one of these people.  Stop demanding and start sowing. 

How have I come to these conclusions, because my family and I have been victims of many people like this.  They have used our resources, love, affection, respect and support until they got back on their feet.  As soon as they were back on their feet, not only did we never hear from them again but they have had the audacity to talk about us.  So yes, I have personally lived through some of the above, therefore this post is probably coming from a place in my heart that still needs healing. LOL but in hindsight, if we had to do it all over again, we would because it’s what God calls us to do.  Will we do it again with some of the same people? NO. LOL  

I never said I was perfect, I only promised that in this blog you will get me nothing but me so help me God.  :0) love you!

Is your partner "the one" for you?

Continuing on the topic of missed opportunities, how would you answer this? Did you marry the right person or did you miss the opportunity of marrying “the one?” I remember in the years I was growing up, there was a lot of talk about this.” Everyone was waiting on God for him or her spouse; walking afraid of making the wrong choice.  I can specifically recall a situation where the bride was so afraid of being out of the will of God that she prayed that if this man she was marrying wasn’t “the one” that God would kill her before she got to the altar.  I also recall another case where a woman had been a single mother for years waiting for “the one.” Until one day a man confessed his love for her; he was a hard working Christian man, single, and had no children of his own.  To everyone including her, he fit the bill.  With everyone she knew on board, they went ahead and got married.  They seemed like the perfect couple.  Well behaved kids, beautiful home, never missed a church service.  Little did anyone know that “the one” turned into a monster shortly after the wedding.  This woman endured abuse to her and her children for years, thinking she had done something wrong  or that perhaps she could pray more to make this work; after all, it had to work, she had waited and married “the one.”

In case I haven’t made my point clear enough, here it is; I don’t believe in “the one” theory.  LOL People come and go into our lives that could possibly be good life partners for us if both parties were willing to put in the work.  There isn't a magic formula that makes one person perfect for us or not perfect for us.  Bottom line, relationships are a commitment more so than anything else.  When you meet someone, there is a lot of work to be done in order for the two of you to get along.  Regardless of how many things you have in common, it takes communication, time and dedication to take a relationship to another level.   You could possibly be unhappy with the person you are with; one day you come across a person that you could have been with and begin to wonder what your life would've been like with him or her.  Can I tell you what I think?It would have been the same! Because we are the ones who determine the course of a relationship; what we allow or don't allow, how we are to be treated, or not be treated, and most importantly the boundaries we set are crucial.  That's why we see many people go from one relationship to the next then to the next looking for "that person" that's going to fulfill all of their expectations.  Guess what, that person doesn't exist;  we become "the one" for one another by working diligently and intentionally every day of our lives.      

The "trial period" of living together it's not biblical because it doesn't work.  Studies show that when two people live together without the commitment of marriage the chances of them making it as lifelong partners are slim. Why? Well, in my opinion, because the “commitment of for better or for worse” is missing. Mind you I would NEVER encourage someone to stay in an abusive situation for the sake of “commitment.”  I’m talking about the ups and downs of life, in sickness and in health, for rich or for poor; those are the times that “commitment” helps you stick it out.  Yes the fire dies, you have to rekindle, yes you hurt one another, you have to forgive and ask for forgiveness, yes you fail one another, you have to be willing to put the pieces back together.  If you are on a "trial" period, how much of that would you be willing to repair?

So if you are sitting around waiting for “the one” to appear, stand up.  "The one" doesn't appear, he/she becomes.  It could be someone less than perfect passing by you at the grocery store, or even sitting next to you at Starbucks.  Become proactive, give someone a chance and see what happens.  As long as you don’t compromise the principles you hold dear to your heart and your spirit; that person could most definitely “become” “the one.”

Relationship deal breakers

Through the years I have seen relationships break up for many different reasons; some valid, some not so valid.  Relationship deal breakers vary from person to person.  When dating there is a much wider span as far as this topic is concerned; a deal breaker can be as simple as, chews gum too loud. Lol  But when you are married, the span is much narrower.   There are certainly obvious things that you can see in courtship that will only intensify with marriage. For example; jealousy, anger issues, insecurities, family issues and infidelity. 

When you are dating someone, usually in the beginning, many things can easily be over looked.  After all, you only spend a few hours at a time with this person; during that time it’s not difficult to show each other your best side. The more time you spend together, the more you get to know that person.  This is an important period in a relationship.  During this time, if you notice this person is jealous of your friends, family members and even strangers…. Run for your life, it will only get worse with marriage. Lol Jealousy is a sign of control, insecurity and fear; it has nothing to do with love.  Secondly, if this person shows any signs of anger issues in the way of hitting, pushing, and is verbally abusive. Run for your life, this person will get more violent with time.  A person with anger issues is a person that does not know how to express their emotions in a healthy way; they also lack self-control.   

Thirdly, there is also the insecure person, this person takes everything personal.  They are always claiming to be victims and blaming others for their misery.  They rarely take responsibility for their wrong doings, it is always “the devil made me do it” with them. Lol They are stuck in the past, be it their troublesome childhood, failed relationships, or simply lack of success.  They look to get pity and make people feel guilty for not accommodating them.  You feel as if you have to walk on egg shells to not hurt their feelings.  This behavior also intensified with marriage.

 The person with family issues usually doesn't get along with their mom or dad, fights with their siblings, in other words there is always drama in that family.  Guess what, this only gets worse, you will have to not only be in the middle of it all, but you will have to expose your kids to that situation. 

Lastly, infidelity, this is a deal breaker for most couples; although many stay together.  I just think if they have the nerve to be unfaithful while they are courting you, which is the time when they should be at their best to win you over, I can only imagine that it will get worse in marriage.  This person is not only insecure but they have very low self esteem.  Their self worth is linked with how other people see them or feel about them.  Therefore, the more people they “assume” love them, the better they feel about themselves.  Without the proper help this person will never mature to be a devoted spouse, they stay in a puppy love stage.  They are always after the chaise, because that’s how they get their validation.  They rarely develop meaningful, satisfying relationships.

Ok, so there you have it; these could be deal breakers if you are dating. Now, if you are married and having these issues, that’s a different story; I would consider all of the above mentioned, reason to seek counseling.  With much work, perseverance and dedication but most importantly with God as the center; a marriage can overcome.   

The man’s emotional role in the home

I don't pretend to know it all, neither do I have a perfect marriage or home life. My opinions are based on what I read and my life experiences.  Life in itself is a classroom and I have set my mind to get the highest degree.  I will continue to learn until the day I die. Knowledge is power. 

In my opinion, this society has gone a little too far when it comes to feminism.  I wonder if this extreme movement has made it challenging for men to play their role in the home.   With the intent of empowering woman, they portray a world where women don’t need men.  In a desperate attempt to prove their theory that woman can do it all without the help of a man; they promote everything from having children to fixing cars.  Don’t get me wrong, if you know anything about me, you know that I’m 100 percent in favor of “girl power.”  That being said, I also have a very clear understanding of the role of a man in my home. 

 

A man’s role in the home is to be a protector; to make his family feel safe and secure when he is around.  As a woman I step aside and allow my husband to execute that role; wrong or right, it’s his lesson to learn.  I don’t tell him what to do when it comes to our safety; be it financially, physically or emotionally.  Of course I’m talking about an emotionally healthy man who loves his family and fears God.     Not an insecure man that thinks his role includes making his family feel afraid of him or intimidated by him.  A family should feel that the male figure is there to protect, not that they need to be protected from him.  Sadly I have seen quite a few examples of male figures that abuse their role; abusing their family in the name of “respect.”  Respect does not include fear in any way, shape or form, the true definition of respect according to the dictionary is this:

Respect: a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements.  To admire someone deeply, to honor and esteem them. 

This should be every man’s goal, to be respected in such a way that their family would admire his integrity, self control, and leadership. 

A man should be the spiritual guide for his family.  A man sets the tone for the spirituality of the home.  Mom can sing and pray all day long but when the kids see daddy on his knees it’s a whole different story.  By doing this, the man is acknowledging that there is someone greater than him that helps him make decisions and guide the family.  It is a stronger unit when there is a spiritual male figure in the home. 

The man should be a man of good Character. A man of discipline, consistency, and integrity, is a man whose family feels stable and secure.  A man that is led by his emotions, lives in the moment, doesn’t plan for his family’s future, constantly breaks his word, lacks self control, this is a man whose family feels unstable, insecure and afraid. 

A man should be a provider for his family. Regardless of what a man does for a living, he should take pride in hard work.  His family needs to see him passionate about what he does; this will set the tone for the family’s striving to archive success.   I remember years ago, when my kids were smaller my husband would get really sad before he left out of town for work.  He didn’t like to leave them, he missed us terribly.  One day as I heard him talking to the kids about his upcoming trips, I heard him say that he was sorry he had to leave them for a few days.  The more I thought about it the more it didn’t sit right with me.  We talked about it and we came to the conclusion that it was not the best approach to take, being that they were at such an impressionable age; they might confuse his work as something bad, something that takes him away from them.  So after that day, we started to talk differently, with a more of a positive tone.  Now he tells them where he is going and what he is going to do there with a sense of pride that is contagious.   When he comes home, the kids can’t wait to hear about it.   He made them understand the importance of his trips not only for provision but also to help people in need. 

Lastly, a man serves as an example for his sons on how to be husbands and fathers, and for his daughters on how they should be treated by a man.  Understanding these roles will help us live a more intentional life.  By all means we will never master all of these, everyone makes mistakes.  But being aware will help us pick up the pieces and start over again tomorrow.  A man with a woman that understands these roles and steps aside to allow him to grow into the man he was born to be, can reach for the stars.  A woman that acknowledges his strengths instead of his weaknesses, respects his decisions, admires his character and knows her role, is what the bible calls; a help-meet. 

  

A woman’s emotional role in the home

A woman’s state plays a huge part in the emotional feel of the home.   It’s important to understand just how much we really affect the ambiance, in order to be able to change negative energy around.   There is no way that we can wake up every morning singing and smiling at the world.  The truth is life happens and it happens often.  Knowing this can free us to choose how we feel every day, only because it allows us the freedom to accept that life isn't perfect.  Let me share something that happened to me at work just the other day.  I was sent by my agency to a cancer hospital to interpret for three different patients.   Usually when I’m sent to interpret for cancer patients I try to put myself in a strong state of mind.  It’s not easy to be the messenger of bad news; I have to be prayed up to stay strong for the patient.  I interpreted for the first patient then went on to my next patient.  By the time the third patient came around I was exhausted, not so much physically but emotionally.  It was a man in his mid sixties, not very friendly, actually quite rude.  I usually don’t take any of these things personally because I can only imagine the turmoil these patients are going through as they fight for their lives.  

I sat next to him and listened to him go on and on about his affluent family, his extensive education, his endless achievements, and his life of success.  In most cases I would join in congratulating the person for all of this but in this case, it felt a as if he was being a bit condescending.   I merely listened; I've learned that in times like this the best thing I can do is stay quiet, most of the time the person will give themselves away by their own words.  Sure enough, it didn’t take long before I knew what was in his heart.  He tells me how when he moved to Florida it was the best place to live, he loved it, and it was peaceful and quiet.  He continued by saying “that was until those #@*%^$ puertoricans started moving here. Hahaha omg, he is a racist! How sad that underneath all of his splendor, prestige, education and status he was an ignorant man.  “They are all uneducated, gang banging, welfare folks; that’s when this place started going downhill.”   I took a deep breath; mind you my tolerance level at this point is close to zero.  Lol I looked at him and said “you know something Mr._______ I can tell you one good thing that came out of those puertoricans moving to Florida, me. Thanks to that, I’m able to be here helping you today.” He looked at me as if he had seen a ghost.  I know I should have stayed quiet but like I said it had been a long day! hahaha  

Ok, let me get to the point that I’m trying to get at.  When I got home, I carried that negative energy with me.  I came home in a bad mood, on edge, bothered and tired! The kids speaking loudly bothered me, their bouncing balls around the house got on my nerves, and my husband’s whistling sent me over the edge.  These are things they do every day, but because I was over my boiling point, they drove me crazy.  I started to snap at them, told the boys to go outside, asked my husband if he would mind stopping the whistling.  Before I knew it I had come and completely changed the atmosphere of my home. Within minutes I could feel the energy shift, the kids looked bothered, hubby was wondering what he had  done wrong.   

We all have those days, but we have to be intentional enough to not make people around us uncomfortable just because we allowed someone to ruin our day.  We gave someone enough power to take control of our emotions and feelings to the point that now; our family is reaping the consequences.  This is not fair.  A woman has tremendous power over the atmosphere of her home; the saying “when mom is happy everyone is happy” could not be truer.   When my husband is upset, I know how to turn his frown upside down. Lol When my kids are upset, I know how to make them laugh and help them through it.  But when I’m upset, I have to find a way to release; that’s where BFFs come in.  If I would've text my bff after that 12 hour work day and let it all out, like I usually do when I have bad days, I would've come home with a different attitude.  Women process differently, we need to let it out, get it off our chests. 

This should be a daily conscious decision on our part; we can be the bearers of joy or the cause of sorrow, the bearers of peace of the cause of chaos, the bearers of happiness or the cause of sadness.  It’s a blessing and it’s a curse to have that much influence over our home.  A curse because if we don’t use it for good, we can do much harm and a blessing because if we use it for good, we can do much good.  The bible could not have said it more clearly: a wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

Male roles and Female roles?

Is there such a thing as male roles and female roles in a household?  Well, that depends on what we are referring to.  If we are talking about the “little house on the Prairie days” kind of roles, then no, I don’t think so.  Not anymore, not since the woman works outside the home and contributes financially.  I've been a stay at home wife and mom for almost 20 years.  Although I have worked on and off, here and there, my husband has always been the primary source of income for our family.  We pretty much share all the household chores being that he mostly works on weekends.

He doesn't mind doing the laundry, unloading the dishwasher or pretty much anything I ask him to do.  

However, I realize that is not the case in all households.  Most of my friends work full-time and so do their husbands.  I often wonder how they manage to maintain a house.  Laundry in itself is a never ending job, not to mention cooking, homework if there are kids involved, and maintaining the house half way decent.  There are days that I work a full day and when I get home I just want to put on my PJs at 6:00pm and go straight to bed! Lol

When my parents were growing up, the roles were pretty much laid out.  The man goes out to work, and the woman stays home to mind the children and the house; plain and simple.  It isn’t so simple anymore; now most households are double income households.  Sadly, there are still some people that have not been able to transition their mentality to keep up with the times.  These are the ones that expect “some” of the “laid out” roles to stay in place while still enjoying the benefits of a double income.  The female is expected to run the household as well as a fulltime job.   Then we wonder why our women are “running away from home” lol.  

There are some women that might take this as a challenge; they work outside the home, get home in the evenings, cook, do homework with the kids, clean, put the kids down to bed and then stay up late doing the laundry.  I’ll tell you right now, in my house, “aint nobody got time for dat” If we both work outside the home… then we both work inside the home! LOL

The children are most definitely a shared responsibility; they need both parents equally involved.  In my house it has taken a while to get into the swing of things but I think we finally have a pretty effective system going on.  School days, hubby wakes up the kids, makes sure they make their beds and get ready.  While he is doing that, I’m preparing their lunches and making them breakfast; hubby drives them to school.  In the afternoon, hubby picks them up from school while I make them an afternoon snack.  When they get home I make myself available for one and hubby for the other one to help them with homework if they need it.  I’m the designated school project parent and their dad  is the designated field trip parent. Lol While I make dinner, the kids play outside with dad, sometimes with friends.  After dinner, the kids shower and we both tuck them in.  That’s how we have been doing it for the past few years.  This works most of the time, unless there is a meltdown, sibling fight, family madness etc. ….. LOL

During the week, there isn’t much cleaning and laundry going on.  Mostly work, kids & blog. LOL On Saturdays it’s cleaning day; kids replace their bed linen, clean their bathroom (tub and all), fold and put away their clean laundry and take turns matching everyone’s socks.  I have the downstairs; kitchen, bathroom, both living rooms and dining rooms. Hubby has our master bedroom and bath and the vacuuming.  I do all of the cooking, only because I love to cook; I ‘am however teaching the boys how to cook.  So there you have it, I figure, this way no one feels over burdened and everyone learns responsibility.  

This is what works for us, I’m sure many of you have great ideas on how to distribute household chores and such.  Bottom line, the responsibility should not fall on someone just because of their gender.  We all live under the same roof; therefore, it is all of our responsibility to maintain it.  I don’t want my kids to grow up depending on other people to do things for them.  I want them to understand the value of things and what it takes to take care of them.  So are there male roles and female roles when it comes to household chores? I don’t think so.  The only thing different in my house is, they all lift the toilet seat and I don’t. lol 

Is it love or control? part 2

I have learned that in order to have a successful relationship with anyone, be it a child, spouse or friend we need to see them as equals. That’s where the respect comes from. The problem occurs when we concentrate on each other’s weaknesses instead of strengths, making us undermine one another. One of the things about me that my friends need to understand is that I’m a spontaneous person. Yes, I have run across a lawn with my boys wearing my work clothes while the sprinklers were on. And yes, I have stopped at the beach while in our church clothes and got into the water. Therefore, anyone that wants to get along well with me has to accept that side of me. I won’t compromise it because it’s the core of who I am, it’s when I’m at my best. 

This doesn’t mean that I will never plan things ahead of time, because I do plan. But my husband knows that he has to leave room within that plan for spontaneous activity. I’ll

give you an example; a few years ago we were driving from Seattle, WA to Wenatchee

our goal was to drive through the mountains so the kids could see snow on our way. After the amazing snow experience we continued on our trip to Wenatchee. Well, I saw a stream cascading down a mountain. I wanted to stop and drink some of that water. The problem was the stream was on the opposite lane. We would have to park on the side of the road and cross the street to get to it. If this had been early in our marriage, my hubby would’ve probably been bothered and tell me something like “not now, we have to get to Wenatchee; even though there was no rush to get there whatsoever. Well, I’m not sure if I wore him down or if he actually learned to enjoy that side of me but he did stop, emptied out a Gatorade bottle and filled it with mountain water. LOL till this day the kids talk about that experience. 

In the same way, I had to learn to respect the side of him that doesn’t like changes. Again 

early in our marriage even if we had to be somewhere by a certain time and we were running late; If he didn’t stop I might say “why don’t you want to do anything fun?” and stay pretty upset for a while. lol I understand now that the way he sees it is, if we said we are going from A to Z then that’s what we are doing. So, I compromise by only making him stop for C, D, E and not the rest of the alphabet. LOL JK I am more conscious about what I want to do and when I want to do it. I try to give him a little notice. Lol 

This is a simple example but with someone who is controlling, there is no respect of what the other person wants or needs; as long as they get what they want and need. Again this can happen subtle and in a very manipulative manner. It can be hidden under sadness, anger, fear, all sorts of emotions. The controlling person stops at nothing to control. This is why it can be perceived as love. It’s usually an escalation, depending on how much respect has been lost. It goes from sad to angry, to afraid. They can say they are sad about your choices then go to “I’m angry that you don’t acknowledge how I feel” and lastly “I’m afraid where this is going, or what this is doing to us” Bottom line, they want what they want when they want it. 

What I’m trying to get to is that we are all different we have our own preferences, likes and dislikes, ideas, and personalities. A person that truly wants to be with us should add to who we are, not take away from it, to make us more like them. Any time you feel like you have to compromise who you are when you are with a particular person, chances are, you are with a controlling person. Ask yourself what are you afraid of? That they will criticize you; get angry at you or not like you? If your answers to those questions are yes, yes, yes, then you are not with a person that accepts you. As you can tell I have used two posts to raise red flags to help avoid a controlling person. 

Now here is the answer to the question, Is it Love or is it control?

This is the the definition of love, you decide….

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. 8 Love never fails... I Corinthians 13:4-8

Is it Love or Is it Control?

I love seeing the long days of summer sneaking up on us.  Our family will be doing lots of traveling this year: Vegas, Maryland, and California…. Can’t wait, traveling is always so much more fun with the boys.

This week I would like to talk about “is it love or is it control?” Not because I’m an expert but because of my observations through the years of dealing with all types of relationships. In my opinion there could be a misconception between love and control. I ask can exclusion/alienation and jealousy be perceived as love. I certainly believe so. A person can be in a relationship where control is taking place and not even notice it. I’m hoping to shed a little light and put up some red flags on this subject today.

Let’s begin with alienation; I happen to think this is the first tool used. When the other person begins to separate you from others the idea behind this is usually that the less people you have in your life, the less voices of reason you will hear. In most instances it begins subtle: “don’t go with your family or friends, I will miss you.” “I think your friends don’t like me.” “Your family or friends make me feel unwelcomed or uncomfortable.” If that doesn’t work, they will begin to make you see things that aren’t really there “did you see how your friend and or family member looked at me?… This is a brilliant plan, think about it, when they are done with you, you are left thinking that they are the victims. There you are, protecting your partner and yourself from the “haters;” your family and friends. As twisted as this may sound, it is the truth, it happens all the time. This is most definitely a red flag; a person that loves you, wants to do everything in their power to integrate themselves into your world; that goes for both, women and men. Sadly enough I’ve probably seen this “control” game used more by women than by men. 

My mother practically brainwashed us, she was constantly instilling in us the importance of family. She taught us that no one is going to want what’s best for us more than our own flesh and blood. I realize there are many exceptions, but I’m strictly speaking about a person with a healthy family unit. I remember growing up listening to my mom say, “you’ll know he is the one, when he fits right into our family.” In my case it was so much so that she ended up liking him more than she liked me. LOL 

The sad thing is that when the controller finally achieves complete alienation of the other person, that’s usually when the belittling intensifies. Now they have to make sure the situation stays this way by making you feel as if they are all you have; as if they are the only ones that love you and care for you. At this point the controlling person decides that they are stronger, smarter, and more capable of handling situations than their partner. So they take a “lead” role in all things “emotional” Although in some cases they also control the finances and other aspects of life; I simply want to focus on the emotional side. They have to be in control of what the other person feels and thinks at all times. The other person simply becomes an emotional puppet. “When they decide you could be happy, then you could be, when they want to make you feel insecure, then that’s how they will make you feel, when they want to inflict intimidation, then you will feel intimidated. They are now the self proclaimed dictators of every single emotion that the other person should or should not have. 

You see clear examples of this in relationships where there are many double standards, for instance: I can have a cell phone, but you can’t handle one. They can justify this by saying something like “it would be a temptation for you to cheat (making it seem like they have your best interest in mind). I can have friends, but you can’t handle friends, they can justify this by saying you are easily influence by others. They will usually make it appear as if they are doing things for your own good. I can go on vacation by myself or with my friends but you can’t, you don’t have enough will power to do the right thing. Relationships should be dealt with on equal playing fields; otherwise they become parent child relationships. Respect is lost, resentment builds and the love slowly dwindles. 

to be continued....