Is it love or control? part 2

I have learned that in order to have a successful relationship with anyone, be it a child, spouse or friend we need to see them as equals. That’s where the respect comes from. The problem occurs when we concentrate on each other’s weaknesses instead of strengths, making us undermine one another. One of the things about me that my friends need to understand is that I’m a spontaneous person. Yes, I have run across a lawn with my boys wearing my work clothes while the sprinklers were on. And yes, I have stopped at the beach while in our church clothes and got into the water. Therefore, anyone that wants to get along well with me has to accept that side of me. I won’t compromise it because it’s the core of who I am, it’s when I’m at my best. 

This doesn’t mean that I will never plan things ahead of time, because I do plan. But my husband knows that he has to leave room within that plan for spontaneous activity. I’ll

give you an example; a few years ago we were driving from Seattle, WA to Wenatchee

our goal was to drive through the mountains so the kids could see snow on our way. After the amazing snow experience we continued on our trip to Wenatchee. Well, I saw a stream cascading down a mountain. I wanted to stop and drink some of that water. The problem was the stream was on the opposite lane. We would have to park on the side of the road and cross the street to get to it. If this had been early in our marriage, my hubby would’ve probably been bothered and tell me something like “not now, we have to get to Wenatchee; even though there was no rush to get there whatsoever. Well, I’m not sure if I wore him down or if he actually learned to enjoy that side of me but he did stop, emptied out a Gatorade bottle and filled it with mountain water. LOL till this day the kids talk about that experience. 

In the same way, I had to learn to respect the side of him that doesn’t like changes. Again 

early in our marriage even if we had to be somewhere by a certain time and we were running late; If he didn’t stop I might say “why don’t you want to do anything fun?” and stay pretty upset for a while. lol I understand now that the way he sees it is, if we said we are going from A to Z then that’s what we are doing. So, I compromise by only making him stop for C, D, E and not the rest of the alphabet. LOL JK I am more conscious about what I want to do and when I want to do it. I try to give him a little notice. Lol 

This is a simple example but with someone who is controlling, there is no respect of what the other person wants or needs; as long as they get what they want and need. Again this can happen subtle and in a very manipulative manner. It can be hidden under sadness, anger, fear, all sorts of emotions. The controlling person stops at nothing to control. This is why it can be perceived as love. It’s usually an escalation, depending on how much respect has been lost. It goes from sad to angry, to afraid. They can say they are sad about your choices then go to “I’m angry that you don’t acknowledge how I feel” and lastly “I’m afraid where this is going, or what this is doing to us” Bottom line, they want what they want when they want it. 

What I’m trying to get to is that we are all different we have our own preferences, likes and dislikes, ideas, and personalities. A person that truly wants to be with us should add to who we are, not take away from it, to make us more like them. Any time you feel like you have to compromise who you are when you are with a particular person, chances are, you are with a controlling person. Ask yourself what are you afraid of? That they will criticize you; get angry at you or not like you? If your answers to those questions are yes, yes, yes, then you are not with a person that accepts you. As you can tell I have used two posts to raise red flags to help avoid a controlling person. 

Now here is the answer to the question, Is it Love or is it control?

This is the the definition of love, you decide….

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. 8 Love never fails... I Corinthians 13:4-8