Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Is it Love or Is it Control?

I love seeing the long days of summer sneaking up on us.  Our family will be doing lots of traveling this year: Vegas, Maryland, and California…. Can’t wait, traveling is always so much more fun with the boys.

This week I would like to talk about “is it love or is it control?” Not because I’m an expert but because of my observations through the years of dealing with all types of relationships. In my opinion there could be a misconception between love and control. I ask can exclusion/alienation and jealousy be perceived as love. I certainly believe so. A person can be in a relationship where control is taking place and not even notice it. I’m hoping to shed a little light and put up some red flags on this subject today.

Let’s begin with alienation; I happen to think this is the first tool used. When the other person begins to separate you from others the idea behind this is usually that the less people you have in your life, the less voices of reason you will hear. In most instances it begins subtle: “don’t go with your family or friends, I will miss you.” “I think your friends don’t like me.” “Your family or friends make me feel unwelcomed or uncomfortable.” If that doesn’t work, they will begin to make you see things that aren’t really there “did you see how your friend and or family member looked at me?… This is a brilliant plan, think about it, when they are done with you, you are left thinking that they are the victims. There you are, protecting your partner and yourself from the “haters;” your family and friends. As twisted as this may sound, it is the truth, it happens all the time. This is most definitely a red flag; a person that loves you, wants to do everything in their power to integrate themselves into your world; that goes for both, women and men. Sadly enough I’ve probably seen this “control” game used more by women than by men. 

My mother practically brainwashed us, she was constantly instilling in us the importance of family. She taught us that no one is going to want what’s best for us more than our own flesh and blood. I realize there are many exceptions, but I’m strictly speaking about a person with a healthy family unit. I remember growing up listening to my mom say, “you’ll know he is the one, when he fits right into our family.” In my case it was so much so that she ended up liking him more than she liked me. LOL 

The sad thing is that when the controller finally achieves complete alienation of the other person, that’s usually when the belittling intensifies. Now they have to make sure the situation stays this way by making you feel as if they are all you have; as if they are the only ones that love you and care for you. At this point the controlling person decides that they are stronger, smarter, and more capable of handling situations than their partner. So they take a “lead” role in all things “emotional” Although in some cases they also control the finances and other aspects of life; I simply want to focus on the emotional side. They have to be in control of what the other person feels and thinks at all times. The other person simply becomes an emotional puppet. “When they decide you could be happy, then you could be, when they want to make you feel insecure, then that’s how they will make you feel, when they want to inflict intimidation, then you will feel intimidated. They are now the self proclaimed dictators of every single emotion that the other person should or should not have. 

You see clear examples of this in relationships where there are many double standards, for instance: I can have a cell phone, but you can’t handle one. They can justify this by saying something like “it would be a temptation for you to cheat (making it seem like they have your best interest in mind). I can have friends, but you can’t handle friends, they can justify this by saying you are easily influence by others. They will usually make it appear as if they are doing things for your own good. I can go on vacation by myself or with my friends but you can’t, you don’t have enough will power to do the right thing. Relationships should be dealt with on equal playing fields; otherwise they become parent child relationships. Respect is lost, resentment builds and the love slowly dwindles. 

to be continued....

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