A MAN'S PAIN; when the woman is unfaithful.

I am writing the introduction to this post with tears in my eyes. I was touched immensely by the words of this man. He opened his heart and allowed us to look inside without reservations. I applaud his candidness and honesty; it takes a confident, godly man, to see infidelity with this perspective. I am grateful that he allowed my blog to give him a voice with the hope that it will help someone else. I am certain that his words will break gender bias as well as offer hope for those that are on their journey to forgiveness. Be bless FGAL readers, this is a treasure!

The Pain of Infidelity: A Man's Perspective

Many are the stories of the women who have been "played" by the men in their lives. Let us not forget that men hurt too, when the women we love fall into the arms of another man.

Here are some strong feelings I had to endure:

Rejection - I felt my manhood was shot down. How could I be a hero to another woman when the woman I love the most has rejected me? I did not have the, "well I can find someone else" attitude. Insecurities that were not there before began to set it. Confidence begins to diminish. Men are built yearning respect, infidelity is the ultimate disrespect.

Useless - Keeping bread on the table, pleasing and protecting our wives and keeping our house in order is what MEN thrive on. When infidelity knocks on the door it makes everything look like a lie. I felt worthless. I felt so low, without value. I was no longer her prince charming.

Denial: I would bombard myself with questions. Why didn't I confront my wife when I saw signs that were making me uncomfortable? I didn't want to scold her like a father, I wanted to trust her regardless of what my instincts were telling me. Where did I go wrong? How could I have stopped this from happening to us?

Doubt: Did my spouse ever love me? What other things do I not know of? Is this relationship worth fighting for? Will I be able to trust her again? Will I ever get to that place of forgiveness and move forward?

Hopeless: the hardest thing for a man is to feel hopeless. That moment when you realize you can't fix it! Divorce is right around the corner and there's nothing you can say or do to bring her back.

Sleeplessness: Accepting the horror of an empty bed. I would call it "TNT" (tossing n' turning). The reality of a cold bed sets in. I lost 20 pounds and slept less than 3 hours a night for months.

My advice: Ignore the many voices. People usually tell a man, "let her go, you have all the right to let her go!" I held on because my male instinct, the fighter in me and in many men was to WIN. I didn't want to lose the one thing that is rightfully mine. It is hard because we think adultery is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. It isn't! We can hold on to our wives if they have an addiction like alcohol or drugs, but not an affair? That is wrong. It's easy to give up.

When you forgive, you are not saying you tolerate what your spouse has done. You are saying, "this can happen to anyone, and I love you so much that I am ready to fight for my marriage". It is easy to throw in the towel but with Gods help and His healing hands, all things really are possible. I'm still in the ring fighting for the woman God put in my life and she has joined me in this wonderful goal of saving our marriage so let me boldly say, with everyday that passes "WE" are winning!

How to heal from INFIDELITY

I am humbled with the trust many of you demonstrated by reaching out to me this week and sharing your pain of infidelity. My prayers went up for each and every one of you last night; I prayed that sooner than later your wounds would become scars. I tiered up thinking about just how many people are living with an open wound. We don’t see them bleeding because every morning they put on a band- aid and go about their day. Once they get home, reality sets, the band-aid comes off and their wound begins to bleed again. I’m grateful to have been able to provide a place in my blog this week to give a voice to their pain. Tomorrow we will be getting a man’s perspective on the pain of enduring an affair. He will share with us a little bit of his journey though the pain of betrayal and the road to forgiveness. He was able to receive his wife back with open arms after her infidelity and they are now restoring their home.


Today I thought I’d talk a little about the band-aids we put on to mask the pain that has yet to be healed. The degree of pain caused by infidelity varies from person to person and from the type and longevity of the involvement. However, regardless of the circumstances, healing needs to take place in order for a relationship to be restored. I have seen two things happen when true healing is not achieved; one, the relationship eventually dissolves and each person goes their own way, or two, they stay together for some reason or other (usually the kids). In my opinion neither of the two is the answer, if you stay together without resolve and eventually end up breaking up; that’s nothing but a waste of precious time. If you stay together for the kids but live with unforgiving, bitterness and resentment, then you will be modeling for your children what a relationship should be like. Below I will list some of the band-aids used to try to move on without total healing;



1. Let’s not talk about it. Walk on egg shells avoiding the topic. If something triggers the memory of the infidelity, then there is usually an explosion of hurtful emotions.

2. Have a child; I have seen this one happen time and time again. People having a child to save a marriage. I tell you this much, you may have seen different but I have never seen this one work out for anyone. On the contrary the poor child is in the middle and things just got a lot more complicated.

3. Completely devout themselves to their jobs, hobbies, computer anything but their marriage.

4. Become a 24 hour parent; the spouse becomes an invisible person in the home. They take on the job of parenting to a different level; staying busy with the kids it’s an “acceptable” thing to use to hide pain.

5. Live a “pretend” life. Everything is fine, nothing is wrong, the past is the past and we have moved on.




Here comes the bad news…. None of those five band-aids are going to heal you. They just cover up the wound. Do you know what happens when a deep wound gets covered up without having stitches? It gets infected, and if not treated, the infection spreads. That is exactly what happens to a broken heart if it is not healed. Soon resentment sets in, anger issues arise, it can even spread to the degree of verbal or physical abuse.




Here comes the good news… It doesn’t matter how long ago the infidelity happened if you feel like your wound is still open get to a hospital immediately. Stop dropping blood all over the floor! Lol Seek counseling, get self help book, look up sites about restoration, talk about it!! But most importantly, seek to live a godly life; outside of God, thing are much more difficult to resolve. He gives us peace, which is what most people lose in the midst of these trials.




So what’s the secret to healing from the pain of infidelity “take off your band-aid” allow yourself to feel. It is only when you feel that you can tackle that which is eating you up inside. I guarantee you that when you do, your wound will slowly begin to dry up, then become a scab and finally it will only be a scar that no longer hurts.



Love you FGAL readers, you inspire me each and every day!!!

The pain of INFIDELITY

I will begin this post by saying that there is no way I could even begin to understand the pain that infidelity can cause. I remember when my brother passed away; I was so distraught that I didn’t know what to do with my pain. I went through phases of sorrow, guilt, sadness, and even anger. As I think back now, although the hurt is still there, I can say that it feels more like a scar than an open wound. I would tell my husband, “There is no one that can truly comfort me unless they have gone through the same exact situation.” I desperately wanted to meet someone that had made it through this pain. I wanted to hear how they made it, what did they do, how long did it take, but more importantly did they ever feel joy again. Just when I thought I would have to do this on my own, without anyone to comfort me; an angel came along.

For the first time in my life I experienced a panic attack and it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. LOL I say that because it was there that I was able to experience a breakthrough. A nurse came up to me and asked me how I was doing, I said fine. She asked me if something was bothering me, I looked at her and said “yes, but you wouldn’t understand.” She said “It would probably just help if you would talk about it.” I was stubbornly holding back my tears, but like a leaky faucet they kept coming down fast and furious; until there was a reservoir of tears in the room. Lol All I had to say was how my brother

passed away, when I looked at her; it literally looked as if she had a light bulb hanging over her head; you know an “aha” moment. LOL She said “say no more, I was not suppose to work this morning but I was called in and I accepted because I felt as if I needed to be here. I don’t believe in coincidence so I wondered what my purpose was for coming in today. Now I know it was you.”

These are the similarities in her story and mine;

•  It was her youngest brother that passed.
•  He suffered from mental illness.
• He lived with her as an adult and she tried to help him.
• He took his life.

I felt as if the windows of heaven opened up and a choir of angels began to sing. LOL at last, what I thought impossible came to pass, someone that had been through the same exact situation as me, and made it through.

Why am I sharing this with you, because I understand the power behind hearing from someone that has been through your same situation. So although I can only speak from theory on this topic, I pray that you will find someone that can help you through the pain on a more intimate level.

The process of pain experienced from infidelity;
1. Shock- the first reaction after you realize that infidelity is taking place.
2. Disbelief- The need for more information to prove that it’s true.
3. Anger- Provoked by feelings of betrayal.
4. Revenge- Provoked by anger; you want the other person to feel the same pain.
5. Sadness- When it all sets in and you realize that it’s actually happening to you.
6. Hopelessness- The feeling that there is nothing you could do to make things better.
7. Guilt- The obsessive thoughts of what could I have done differently; was it your fault.
8. Depression- A sense of giving up; a deep despair.

If there is something I have learned is that true healing can only take place when there is true repentance. How do you know if there is true repentance?

When the offender:
1. Is willing to tell the truth without being defensive or giving excuses.
2. Does whatever it takes to regain your trust.
3. Comes up with ways of reassuring you that they are on a faithful path.
4. Does not undermine your pain and sincerely recognizes the damage.
5. Has a newly restored sense of purpose; of making things right.

The important thing to recognize is that the infidelity was not your fault, this was a choice made by two consenting adults. Even if you were the spouse from hell, infidelity would not be an option for a mature adult. A healthy adult would go out of his/her way to make things work; be it through communication, counseling, or whatever means. That being said, the unfaithful partner needs individual help; obviously they do not have the maturity or the tools to work through adult situations.

Your job as the offended is to seek healing at whatever cost; you deserve to have peace, joy, and happiness. If you are willing to forgive, then recognize that you too have a healing journey. Your job is not to police, protect, guide or parent him/her from ever being unfaithful again. They have to work hard at earning your trust and respect; but you have to work hard at forgiving. “Get over it” doesn’t cut it; you both have full time “restoration” jobs. Lol

The good news is that with two willing participants, you could be on your way to a fulfilling life. This hurtful experience can become a catalyst to take you up to the next phase; a mature and loving relationship. If only one person is doing all the work, the odds of failure are high. There has to be true repentance and a real willingness to forgive.  The day will come when you will think back and say "it feels more like a scar than like an open wound."

http://www.marriagesrestored.com/marriages/

Who can be UNFAITHFUL?

Who can be capable of being unfaithful? Anyone. Just the fact that we are walking, breathing, human beings, living in a natural body is enough to be susceptible. If you don’t believe that, compare yourself to King

David. He was a man that had everything. He lived in a palace, had riches, could have as many women as he wanted and yet, he fell into temptation with Bathsheba. To me that example alone tells me that there are no exceptions.  As I have said in many of my posts, I'm not an expert, I merely voice my opinion about things that I have experienced through the years or have seen others experience.  That being said, I realize that there is much more that can be said about this topic.  Nothing beats a professional opinion, let my voice be the beginning to your search for truth.

There are many reason people give to excuse why they were unfaithful. Bottom line is, they let their guard down and entertained; which can absolutely happen to anyone. These are some of the reasons that I have heard people give through the years; nonetheless in the end it comes down to morals and principals.

1. My spouse stopped taking care of him/her self, gained too much weight. I’m no longer attracted to him/her.

2. We don’t communicate; he/she doesn’t appreciate me and what I do.

3. The excitement is gone; there is no romance in the marriage.

4. My spouse is not interested in being intimate, we rarely make love.

5. I’m no longer in love with my spouse.

Trust me this list can go on for days…. In my opinion, if a person wants to be unfaithful they will find an excuse to be. No matter how perfect their spouse may seem. Infidelity comes from within; it’s a reflection of what’s happening on the inside. I have heard Dr. Phil say this many times and I tend to agree. A person, who feels the need to be unfaithful, is usually a person with much insecurity. They need constant attention, want to be admired, needs to be reassured that they are valuable, and wanted. Sadly these feelings don’t go away until this person truly finds selfworth. They can go from affair to affair and the emptiness of all of these insecurities will follow them. This is a bottomless pit; if you look carefully you will see a pattern. These insecurities and lack of maturity transcends into other areas of their life as well. Hard to please, ego centric, tend to have addictive personalities (this could range from substance abuse to video games) a sense of entitlement, always bored, constantly on the lookout for something new, exciting, and challenging, (which it’s not a bad trait, if it didn’t include infidelity) they thrive on instant gratification much like a child….

Something else Dr.Phil points out is that infidelity is one of the signs of immaturity. This person has not matured on an emotional level. Many times, emotionally, they have stayed at a much younger age than they actually are. A mature, emotionally stable person does not need external reassurance; they know for themselves that they are valuable. Unfortunately, most people are not nourished enough during their developmental years to grow up emotionally stable, but fortunately we have endless resources in which we can develop and grow on our own.

 The first step is to stop hiding behind excuses and acknowledge that it is your problem and not anyone else’s. No one can do this for you, it’s a decision you have to make from within and do whatever it takes to become whole. Not just to stop cheating but to live a fulfilling life. When you think about the pain that infidelity causes others (which I will go more in depth tomorrow) think about this, you are hurting yourself much more. Eventually the people around you will tire of being your emotional punching bag, they will grow tired of forgiving you, and if they are striving for a wholesome and mature life with someone; they will not want to continue playing your game forever.

Lastly, if you are caught in a web of infidelity, stop; there is a fulfilling and wonderful life waiting for you. Don’t settle for instant gratification. If you have been blessed enough to have someone that forgives and loves you by your side; then you have as good a chance as any to become whole. Decide today that you will grow up and leave childish impulses behind, get whatever help necessary to help you along. Choose to live by principle and not by the desires of your flesh. Take refuge in this "For God has not given us a spirit of fear; instead, his Spirit fills us with power, love, and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7.

INFIDELITY, gender bias?

Touchy subject today, however, I’m upset enough to tackle it.  Pat Robinson’s remarks on infidelity took me over the edge.  Yes, I took into consideration his age! Lol I’ll tell you this, I think age cannot change your belief system, if anything it will probably highlight it since you no longer have the ability to “pretend” to be someone you are not.  Regardless, this post isn't about attacking him in anyway.  He has done so much good in his lifetime that his good deeds far outweigh his mishaps.  I’m just curious about how many people still feel the way he does.  This is his response to a woman's email about her cheating husband:

Robertson added: "He cheated on you. Well, he's a man. OK. So what you do, is you begin to focus on why you married him in the first place, on what he does good.

"Does he provide a home for you to live in? Does he provide food for you to eat? Does he provide clothes for you to wear? Is he nice to the children? Do you have a happy family? Does he take your kids to sporting events? Does he go out and watch their Little League games? Does he share with you stuff that's going on? And is he handsome? Ya know, what is he?"http://www.christianpost.com/news/pat-robertson-cheating-host-responds-to-plea-from-woman-struggling-to-forgive-infidelity-video-96039/

This week I want to focus on the subject of infidelity.  Types of infidelity, reasons for and how they affect the person that was betrayed.  As for my two cents about Pat, I strongly disagree with him this time…. I don’t know him personally and I’m surely not going to judge him as a person, however his clearly stated opinion on this matter bothered me.  As a person who knows the word of God, he should know that there are no gender exceptions when it comes to sin.  I have met many people with this mindset especially from an older generation.   But guess what, there is a higher word that transcends all social, cultural, and generational opinions and that is the word of God. 

I remember a few years ago I was talking to a woman whose husband had been unfaithful.  She was talking as if she blamed the other woman more so than her husband.  Well, I can see how they are both at fault if the other woman was a friend or a family member of hers; but the other woman didn't even know he was married!  She had the same set as Pat, “boys will be boys”.    In her mind, men didn't have the ability to turn down a woman, so it was up to the woman to seduce or not.  I went home thinking about that, I didn't say much because I've never experienced that situation, so I felt as if I didn't have much to offer.  When I got home, I could not stop thinking about it, so much about it didn't seem fair.  And then like lighting, it hit me! She is sooooo wrong!!!

The next day I was ready for her; first of all the bible says this about temptation:

There isn't any temptation that you have experienced which is unusual for humans. God, who faithfully keeps his promises, will not allow you to be tempted beyond your power to resist. But when you are tempted, he will also give you the ability to endure the temptation as your way of escape. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Sorry sweetie, I don’t think God left out “gender” by accident; this applies to EVERYONE!

Oh but I didn't stop there, I also remembered the story of Joseph,

According to the Book of Genesis 39:1–20 Potiphar's wife tried to seduce Joseph, who ELUDED her advances. As Joseph REPELLED her attempt to lure him into her bed, she grabbed him by his coat: "And it came to pass about this time, that Joseph went into the house to do his business; and there was none of the men of the house there within. And she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and FLED, and GOT “HIMSELF OUT."

How much more difficult could this have gotten for Joseph!

1. She had been flirting with him. but he ELUDED her advances. In other words didn't engage.

2. As if that wasn't enough, he came into work to find her in bed.

3. She literally grabbed him to LURE him into her bed. But he RAN!

If this is not a clear example of what a man should do in the midst of temptation, nothing is. Needless to say,

the woman I was talking to didn't have much to say; because if you are a Christian and take the bible at its word, there is not much you can say after that. My point “boys will be boys” is not biblical. The word applies to everyone not just some; we can’t pick and choose what accommodates our lifestyle. Or what makes us feel better at the time. To live in truth is the only way to live, a man or a woman that takes full responsibility for infidelity and is truly repentant, meaning makes no excuses for what they have done. That person will surely be restored.

In God’s eyes, there is no excuse for infidelity; whether your spouse is too fat, too skinny, doesn't keep a clean house, doesn't cook, doesn't like intimacy and the list goes on and on; it has nothing to do with any of that. It has everything to do with having principles and good moral standards (regardless of being a Christian or not). With that in place, they too would have the ability to Elude, Repel, flee and get themselves out!