The pain of INFIDELITY

I will begin this post by saying that there is no way I could even begin to understand the pain that infidelity can cause. I remember when my brother passed away; I was so distraught that I didn’t know what to do with my pain. I went through phases of sorrow, guilt, sadness, and even anger. As I think back now, although the hurt is still there, I can say that it feels more like a scar than an open wound. I would tell my husband, “There is no one that can truly comfort me unless they have gone through the same exact situation.” I desperately wanted to meet someone that had made it through this pain. I wanted to hear how they made it, what did they do, how long did it take, but more importantly did they ever feel joy again. Just when I thought I would have to do this on my own, without anyone to comfort me; an angel came along.

For the first time in my life I experienced a panic attack and it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. LOL I say that because it was there that I was able to experience a breakthrough. A nurse came up to me and asked me how I was doing, I said fine. She asked me if something was bothering me, I looked at her and said “yes, but you wouldn’t understand.” She said “It would probably just help if you would talk about it.” I was stubbornly holding back my tears, but like a leaky faucet they kept coming down fast and furious; until there was a reservoir of tears in the room. Lol All I had to say was how my brother

passed away, when I looked at her; it literally looked as if she had a light bulb hanging over her head; you know an “aha” moment. LOL She said “say no more, I was not suppose to work this morning but I was called in and I accepted because I felt as if I needed to be here. I don’t believe in coincidence so I wondered what my purpose was for coming in today. Now I know it was you.”

These are the similarities in her story and mine;

•  It was her youngest brother that passed.
•  He suffered from mental illness.
• He lived with her as an adult and she tried to help him.
• He took his life.

I felt as if the windows of heaven opened up and a choir of angels began to sing. LOL at last, what I thought impossible came to pass, someone that had been through the same exact situation as me, and made it through.

Why am I sharing this with you, because I understand the power behind hearing from someone that has been through your same situation. So although I can only speak from theory on this topic, I pray that you will find someone that can help you through the pain on a more intimate level.

The process of pain experienced from infidelity;
1. Shock- the first reaction after you realize that infidelity is taking place.
2. Disbelief- The need for more information to prove that it’s true.
3. Anger- Provoked by feelings of betrayal.
4. Revenge- Provoked by anger; you want the other person to feel the same pain.
5. Sadness- When it all sets in and you realize that it’s actually happening to you.
6. Hopelessness- The feeling that there is nothing you could do to make things better.
7. Guilt- The obsessive thoughts of what could I have done differently; was it your fault.
8. Depression- A sense of giving up; a deep despair.

If there is something I have learned is that true healing can only take place when there is true repentance. How do you know if there is true repentance?

When the offender:
1. Is willing to tell the truth without being defensive or giving excuses.
2. Does whatever it takes to regain your trust.
3. Comes up with ways of reassuring you that they are on a faithful path.
4. Does not undermine your pain and sincerely recognizes the damage.
5. Has a newly restored sense of purpose; of making things right.

The important thing to recognize is that the infidelity was not your fault, this was a choice made by two consenting adults. Even if you were the spouse from hell, infidelity would not be an option for a mature adult. A healthy adult would go out of his/her way to make things work; be it through communication, counseling, or whatever means. That being said, the unfaithful partner needs individual help; obviously they do not have the maturity or the tools to work through adult situations.

Your job as the offended is to seek healing at whatever cost; you deserve to have peace, joy, and happiness. If you are willing to forgive, then recognize that you too have a healing journey. Your job is not to police, protect, guide or parent him/her from ever being unfaithful again. They have to work hard at earning your trust and respect; but you have to work hard at forgiving. “Get over it” doesn’t cut it; you both have full time “restoration” jobs. Lol

The good news is that with two willing participants, you could be on your way to a fulfilling life. This hurtful experience can become a catalyst to take you up to the next phase; a mature and loving relationship. If only one person is doing all the work, the odds of failure are high. There has to be true repentance and a real willingness to forgive.  The day will come when you will think back and say "it feels more like a scar than like an open wound."

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