One woman's reflection after reading "I see white clouds"

I cant say enough about how proud I am of women who are brave enough to share their pain.  Anyone can talk about accomplishments and successes, but it takes a special person with a great heart to share their pain. I pray that you would be blessed with the transparency in which this woman expressed her story.  It brought tears to my eyes to know that there are thousands of women that have suffered in silence for so long that sadness has become their way of life.  Women that have to be strong on the outside while falling apart on the inside.  You will be encourage by her bravery and motivated by her will to heal.

A normal weekday for me involves strategy meetings, delegating to dozens of employees, determining millions of dollars worth of financial gains and walking down the corridors of the company with a commanding presence that does not denote a drop of fear or insecurity – walking side by side with the powers that be. 

I’m a woman in a place that is primarily referred to as “a man’s world”, a place that would easily stomp all over femininity at the slightest hint of being emotional. I’ve felt right at home.

You see, being “tough” was easy for me. It was easy to hold back tears, easy to place my emotions to the side without even thinking, easy to cast any indication of frailty to the abyss, easy because I was Priscilla.

Here’s my story:

It is said that one out of every three girls has been sexually abused or violated. I, unfortunately, fall into that category. For many years as a little girl, my perpetrator waited for the most opportune moments to dehumanize me when no one else was looking. I believed him when he said that if someone found out, I would be in big trouble. And so, I did not fight back and said absolutely nothing. I did as I was told. I allowed myself to be used, manipulated, tossed and turned in a violent storm. The beautiful sky of my childhood turned dark real fast. In order for me to not feel the emotional trauma and pain of what was being done against me, I would close my eyes and think of different things. Like Priscilla, I would drift.

I learned very early how to take control of my inner thoughts and emotions and drive them to the place of submission so that whatever horror was occurring, I didn’t have to feel it. I mastered the art of becoming numb. I too created a fort where nothing would ever be able to hurt me again (or so I thought).

I remember looking into my perpetrators eyes and hating him with every fiber of my being. I learned this emotion very early on. And, as Millie symbolically and masterfully dressed Lolita in and out of costumes, I was reminded how I learned very early on to dress and mask all my hurt and pain. I deflected the wounds that were killing me inside. I allowed these infections to journey with me into adulthood.

My childhood trauma, along with watching other male figures get drunk, do drugs and physically abuse some women in my family, helped fan in me a seed of disdain towards all men. Like Priscilla, I placed a dresser in front of the window of my soul and resigned myself to an eternity in a psych ward.

I journaled, I confessed forgiveness towards my childhood perpetrator, I prayed, I kept busy at church and none of this healed my deep hatred.

It wasn't until years later, after I was married, that God shoved me into the beginning of my healing process. You see, I became pregnant with a son even after having used contraceptives. I knew that God was calling me out of that dreary place. And so, I made a courageous choice to talk. Yes, talk. I called a professional therapist and chose to tell the gory details of my story.

Therapy, along with prayer, has forced me to face that little wounded girl and come to terms with what happened. I’ve had to revisit that place and time of hurt, remove the dresser, clean the room of my heart, place clean linens and allow the beauty of God’s glory to shine in.

I admit that I’m still in the process of healing. This isn't easy. I’m still in the journey. But, little by little I’m seeing the white clouds.

I encourage you too to start this healing process because YOU are worth it. And, if you've begun the process of healing, don’t give up. Stay on task. Get dressed in your best outfit because God has an awesome job waiting for you.

Millie, thank you! On behalf of all the Priscilla’s and all the Lolita’s in the world – thank you for calling us to a better place through your novels.