This is a powerful story that serves as a great example of how carrying the past can destroy you. I'm humbled that this woman chose this venue to share her personal journey of pain and redemption. Thanks for reading. This is her story:
If you read the short novel, "I see white clouds",
then I believe many of you would probably agree that her life's past and the
horror she went through was hindering her from experiencing peace. I personally
was able to relate to Priscilla in regards to the fear of facing her past,
dealing with unhealed wounds, and the unbelievable joy she felt when she was
able to let go. I experienced firsthand what it was to be wrapped by my past,
that I suffered for years in silence without allowing God to take it all away
and give me freedom. I would like to elaborate by first letting you know that God still heals. Here
is my personal testimony:
At the age of seventeen years old, I fell in “love” with the man
that I wanted to marry. He was the “perfect” man, also a Christian. We began
dating, and just two months before I turned 18; I started to feel sick. I was pregnant.
What? You may ask, yes, pregnant. Now, the Christian thing would have been to
tell my parents and make them aware I had sinned and would now bring a child
into this world. However, that was not what occurred. The fear that came upon
me was overpowering. The only person that knew of this was my boyfriend and
afraid of what the church and people would say and even more what this could
cause to our parent’s ministry, he suggested for me to get an abortion. Those
lies took over our moral and Christian beliefs and we were too concerned not to
hurt anyone (not realizing we were only hurting ourselves).
Two days after my 18th birthday, I was dropped
off at the abortion clinic. While at the clinic, I lied and told them my
parents were aware of my decision; I even denied been a Christian when asked
about my medical and social history. I was there to get this nightmare over (or
so I thought).
A year later, my boyfriend and I got married. However, the feeling
of love only lasted for a while. The thought of carrying such shame by myself,
made me many times, ask him not to leave me. We tried to work through our
marriage, invest our time in our church, and help with as many ministries as
possible (perhaps we thought that would make us holy again). We fought hard to
be found worthy. I must say that in the midst of those years, God blessed me with
the opportunity of becoming a mother (this was my first sign, of God showing me
still He loved me). The fact that he would choose me to be a mother again was
incomprehensible. However, even as I carried my guilt and shame, deep down
inside, I knew the God that was spoken about at church so many times loved me
(even if it was a little bit- or so I thought).
Nevertheless I was desperate to give up the burden I had been
carrying for 6 years. One day I picked up women’s magazines (as I did many
times before). I remember asking God to help me carry this shame and regret; I
wanted to be able to continue life without telling anyone and yet be happy with
myself. Little did I know that very night, God had already heard my cry and
answered my prayer- the minute I picked up the woman’s magazine. There was an
article that caught my attention; it was called “God Still Heals”.
I was amazed that as I began to read, it was about healing after
an abortion. The article mentioned a story of a man who rescued a horse who had
caught his leg on a fence; the man sewed the horse’s leg up and care for him.
However, days later, the horse’s condition worsened, he had an infection (which
had not been addressed properly). The infection inside needed to be cared for,
in order for proper healing to take place. This is how the author described a
woman who suffered in silence due to the guilt and shame caused by an abortion.
Healing needed to come from within. To my surprise in “I see white clouds”
Priscilla suffered the same fate.
I knew exactly what that meant; I had been trying to hide my sin
for years, and the emotional toll this had caused, had brought me to the point
of desperation. I wanted to take my life, end my suffering and my family would
never have to explain how their daughter had failed them. At the end of the
article, the author included her contact information and I decided to take a
chance. "Perhaps, this would be my way out" I thought. I remember
emailing the author and thinking to myself: “yeah right, she will never answer
me”. Five minutes later, literally, five minutes later, she called me and give
me the information of a couple whose ministry was post-abortive counseling. I
called them. Those people were angels sent from God to help deliver me of the
lie that I had carried as truth for so many years. They came to our home and
for months, gave us counseling (that was an eye opener). They taught me God’s
mercy was greater than the mistakes that I had made; that His love for me was
far greater than what I could possibly imagine. Most importantly, by me taking
this step, God would forgive me and the best part of all this, I would meet my
child in Heaven. Now, tell me if this was not something to celebrate!
Although, it was not all happily ever after, as my marriage
ended a year later, I realized today God loves me beyond words. Today, after a
few years have passed, I am married to the most amazing man; he loves and
values me beyond anything imaginable.
Know that there is hope; if
only you are willing to heal from the inside out. GOD STILL HEALS.
I encourage you to put your fear aside, reach out to your spiritual leaders for
advice and counsel. Do not allow fear to take over your life and create
barriers between you, your family, friends, and our Lord. Fear is not of God.
If you ever experienced this, reach out for help. I understand that this topic
is taboo in many churches but the church should be like a hospital where the
wounded can come and seek help. If you are suffering in silence;
my prayer is that God will give you strength and courage to stop believing the
lies of the enemy which have kept you captive. The Lord is waiting to take that
burden from you. And perhaps you will be used as a beacon of light for other
women who may be experiencing such shame.
Lastly, allow me to respectfully reach out the church leaders reading this: If you are a pastor or spiritual leader, please be open to the thought that there may be women in your congregation that are suffering in silence. The post-abortion ministry should be something to think about and if you do not have this, there are many organizations around your areas that can offer your members specialized help, geared toward this particular subject.
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