There Is Hope at the End of the Journey ....

It's difficult to understand how transitions allow us to experience growth.  There are things I know about myself now, that I would have never known if it weren’t for a transition. While in the midst of it, it feels like it’s never going to end; the sadness, loneliness, confusion, frustration and the many other emotions that arise from change.  I have not personally experienced divorce but my mother has, hence me experiencing the aftermath. 

 With divorce being so common, I have countless friends that have traveled that journey and survived.  Rev. Candelario compares divorce to a death; the death of a dream or an illusion.   The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. He says that the healing process takes a long time.  I can see that, most people go into a marriage thinking it’s going to last forever.  Having the dream of children and grandchildren.  The illusion of growing old together until death do us part.  The normal emotions  experienced after a divorce are denial, anger and resentment, depression, fear, anxiety, guilt, shame and lastly acceptance.  Therefore, when divorce happens, the dream and the illusion die.   As with every death also with divorce there should be a time of mourning; its necessary for healing.  Here are some tools that can be used through that process;

1.        Allow yourself to mourn deeply and completely.  Acknowledge the loss of what you thought your life was going to be, and grieve. 

2.       Surround yourself with people who love and support you.

3.       Seek to understand what went wrong in the relationship.  Reading, counseling and support groups are all good sources to make this possible.

4.       Make spiritual and emotional healing your utmost priority.

5.       You know you are healed when you are able to awaken joy, happiness, and hope once again.

The sad thing about not following some sort of healing or recovery steps, is that the likelihood of you choosing a similar person and repeating the cycle is very high.  Eventually your pain and resentment will accompany you to your next relationship therefore robbing you of a healthy life once again.

My mother divorced when she was 26. Fortunately for us, her four daughters were her utmost priority.   She devoted her life to serving God and helping others.  I was about 13 years old when my sister asked me what I thought about my mother getting re-married.  My reaction, “NO WAY!!!” Little did I know that a plan was already being brewed. LOL As I recall, my sister even told me who she thought would be a good candidate for my mom. I was furious, didn’t even want to think about sharing my mom with anyone.  My sisters were all out of the house; it was just mom and I, and I loved it that way. Lol

I will never forget the way my mother approached me about this “man” business, we were sitting on the sofa when she turned to me and said “Millie I want to talk to you about something” oh no…. “ I want to know how you would feel if I started to date Saul” I was blindsided, all I remember is sobbing as if someone had just died.  My mom started sobbing as well. Hahaha she said “ Millie, if you don’t want me to, I won’t” we can just forget about  it.”  OMG the responsibility of that scared me to death!!! The next day I went to school and went crying to one of my teachers.  He asked me all the right questions. He asked me if I liked the man my mom was talking about, I said “I adore him” He asked if I thought my mom would be happy with him, I said “maybe” hahaha Then he asked me what would be the one thing that would make me oppose it. I had nothing…. He said “Millie don’t stand in the way of your mom’s happiness.  If he is a good man, she deserves a second chance at love.” WAAAAA WAAAA !! :’’’( lol

My point…. There is life after divorce; There Is Hope at the End of the Journey. It can be a happy and fruitful life if it’s done right.  The ideal situation is to fight for your marriage until you have exhausted every last resource available.  But in some cases, if you have no other choice, then divorce is the only option.  The divorce transition, although slow and painful can be a time for growth and maturity if we so choose it to be.  The choice is ultimately ours; to live with bitterness, anger and resentment or choose forgiveness and healing.