I Will Always Miss You

Written by Pastor Angel Madera

Transitions in life are those times when we will be challenged, confronted and traversed with a time of mourning and healing. In the year 1999 I was met with the most devastating storm that a parent hopes to never go through. My only son of 9 years of age was diagnosed with cancer, within that same year on December 27^th, twenty-two days after his 10^th birthday I watched a beautiful God-given gift lovingly known by everyone as “D” or “Devin” die in my arms. The devastation of watching my son die would cause me to see life from a perspective that no longer resembled any personal opinions, philosophies, or views of my past mindset.

Transitions no matter how painful they may be are designed to ease us into the levels of maturity that enable us to be powerful agents of healing and instruction for the sake and benefit of others.  If one should find themselves still stumbling, frustrated or angry with the same old issues, it is only because the truths that were meant to heal and empower the individual during the transition were either rejected or simply too difficult to embrace.  I never thought that I would be the parent that would find them-self ushering their child to death’s door; simply put “why is this happening to me?”  

The transition towards the death of a loved one is difficult enough, but the transition out of the trauma of death proved to be equally or even more demanding than the first.

I remember the night of my son’s passing looking out of my bedroom window saying to God; I am a man shattered in a million pieces and only You can put me back together.  I have learned that there is only one being in the whole universe that can take tragedy and turn it into triumph, and that being is God.  I will share with you the principals of healing that were imparted into my soul and which I felt was imparted into the lives of others after sharing my experience with them.  Before I do, allow me to share the dark aspect of this transition; I have suffered depressions, panic attacks, and emotional traumas on levels which psychologists could not fathom. Know that when others begin to say or imply that it’s over and your dreams begin to fade under a cloud of pain and suffering, I am the proof that the contrary is true, it’s not over; you will dream again.

Dealing with the reality of missing my son has been like the tide of the ocean; sometimes the tide comes in high and sometimes low. What I mean by this is the rush of painful emotions that come in when I contemplate that fateful day when I watched him slip away.  There was something my son Devin said to me before his passing and it was this, “Daddy just believe”. Something so simple out of the mouth of a child who was dying, were the very words that would empower me and lift me when I felt all hope was lost. Someone once asked me how did I deal with it, and my response was  that I don’t, I let it deal with me.  Transitions can be your greatest instructor that no Ivy League professor can rival or transitions can be your most severe schoolmaster. During this transition, which I thought was destroying me in actuality was perfecting me, healing me, redefining me, empowering me and forming the character of Christ in my life. On one occasion I caught myself going to my closet just to smell my son’s hat because I thought it would bring comfort to my broken soul, but later I found that it was only adding more brokenness to it. When healing comes to an individual’s life it doesn’t come to take a person back, but it rather it takes them to the new, the beautiful, the joyful and the liberating. The degrees and amounts of healing that I have received have brought me to a place where life is far greater than what I could ever imagine.

In the beginning of this process I remember wrestling with wanting to go back to the places in my mind of naiveté that seems to blanket a person and keep one optimistic. Transitions have a way of propelling you towards your destiny and not restraining you from them. Aside from God himself the greatest asset that God would place by my side was a woman that would fight by my side daily; my wife Mirna.  I have been humbled by the truth of how powerful a loved one is during this phase. In the midst of my deepest depression and most difficult transition, my wife assured me that I would reach my dreams and goals. Her courage to remain steadfast and not run is beyond admirable; she has taught me both how to receive healing and how to distribute it. The healing process during the transition of death is not unattainable when you’re inundated with love. I come from a family that has faith in God, but has also taught me never to live in denial. Your question may be; how does one come to the places of healing that bring transformation? First and foremost no human can undertake any transition, especially one like this alone. The healing process that I have experienced is as follows:

Acceptance through hope -Yes this happens, but by no means does this signify defeat or surrender to grief or that you can never be happy or joyful again. This indicates the opposite and points to one’s readiness to hope again.

    No to resentment and yes to newness - Resentment will add to the suffering, although the memories will always be with me, nevertheless new experiences of life and victory are sure to come.

    Every year will be different - The last experience of healing is preparation for the next one; don’t try to hold on to one specific healing instance, open yourself up to and allow yourself to receive them all.

   Know that your journey will empower and bring others out of their places of mourning.

   Tragedy does not have authority over you and cannot dictate where you’re going.

   When emotions are on the floor, simply rest.

   Don't allow pain and suffering to clothe you with selfishness- if your married like myself or a parent,or both, remember that your not the only one suffering. Remember that your family is suffering also and that they have a date with destiny as well. Leave no room for self pity. Loving them through the pain will bring out your most powerful virtue of all, love. 
     Pray – Expression of the soul leads us to the place where we are free in the spirit.

   Be honest – Living in denial will delay your healing.

  Believe – No matter how difficult the process or pain, know that you will embrace life in a way that will impact others.

In closing, I just want to say that God is beyond incredible and His healing power and love is incomparable. Today I stand on the other side of the transition, whole, complete and wiser. I have been fortunate to be able to encourage others, either to begin the healing process or to continue in it. I have been blessed with opportunities, a ministry and so many other things that I thought would’ve never happened, because of what I experienced. I’m not saying that I have chosen to forget my son or the experience; I think of Devin daily. Sometimes those thoughts are coupled with laughter and other times mingled with tears, no one could take his place. However, four years after my son passed, the Lord blessed me with another son whose name is Josiah Seth, which in Hebrew means “healed of God” and “God has given me another son”. He is not a replacement for Devin, but God used him as an instrument to bring me to a new place in life, not a place of mourning but an oasis of healing. I’m not suggesting that another individual per se is the exact instrument that God will use to bring about your healing, but allow yourself to be open to receive what God will use along the path of your healing journey. God bless you and empower you all to heal and to heal others.

“Death, where is your victory? Death, where is your pain?” 1 Corinthians 15:55