Sunday, April 14, 2013

Fear of Failure


Wow, I was not looking forward to writing about this fear, I knew it would take me back to remember some difficult times. As I’m sitting outside on my porch with my cup of coffee and my laptop. I want to tell you that it’s a privilege for me to share myl ife experiences with you. Your daily encouragements thru your inboxes only serve to confirm that I’m sowing in good soil; that someone is being benefited and making my journey worth it. Thank you.
  Fear of failure is a sad lie we tell ourselves over and over until we believe it.  I’ve had to face it quite a few times throughout my life time.  One in particular was before I had  children.  I told myself over and over that I would be a failure as a mom.  I felt that because I’m the youngest in my family and slightly spoiled lol that I would be selfish.  I didn’t know that we have complete control of ourselves when we are grownups.  I could see myself telling my kids “no that’s my popsicle, get your own” hahaha JK I didn’t think I was loving and caring enough to raise healthy children. For years I said that I wasn’t having any. The thought of it terrified me! I could picture my kids going to the Oprah show when they grew up talking about what a failure I was as a mom and how I totally ruined their lives. LOL After eight years of marriage I took the plunge….. Had a child and yes; it was the scariest thing ever!!! The responsibility that comes upon you as soon as the doctor puts that child in your arms is nothing short of overwhelming. I almost wanted to say “put him back inside me, I’m not ready!!” hahaha So no, I wasn’t the sweet angelic looking mom that as soon as she gets the baby, she is completely in love and ready for the challenge.  I was the scared to death mom that had no idea what to do next with this little human that I was now responsible of raising.Lol

Slowly but surely by reading (a lot) and having the help of my sisters I started to feel more confident about doing the “mommy” thing, one day at a time though.  By the time he was three, I started to relax thinking at least he survived, so I must not be too bad. Lol But for years I was unable to shake the feelings of inadequacy that I felt about raising healthy kids.  The thought of being the sole person responsible of teaching this little human about nutrition, manners, spirituality, academics, hygiene, and on and on and on….. as if that wasn’t enough, I also had to make sure they don’t get hurt, that no one hurts them, that they don’t get lost or taken from you. OMG!!! Where the heck was Calgon to take me away!!!Lol  Well now you can understand why I felt like a failure even before I started. I told myself and believed way too many lies. I lived paranoid and terrified every minute of every day…  NOT fun. I thought “one bad thing happens to this child and his life is ruined forever” can you imagine living with that thought!! It was not fun, I can tell you that much. 

As time went on, quite a few things happened that were out of my control.  One in particular shook me to my core.  Nothing could have prepared me for the day my oldest broke his arm.  He was six years old at the time; I was coming to terms with the fact that I just might be able to do this.   I remember I was in the kitchen cooking, the boys where in the backyard (always within my eyesight) or I would go into a panic yelling out their names.  My little one imitates me to the T, not pretty LOL I have to say this, as paranoid as I was, I was never afraid of them getting “physically” hurt while falling or playing. I could see blood and be completely calm and take care of it. It was the matters of the heart that scared me to pieces.  That being said, after a few minutes my little one comes inside the house and tells me that my oldest had fallen off the swing and was on the floor.  I went to check on him, when I looked at his arm, it looked completely deformed.  I called the ambulance and waited for them to come.  Again, I was saying to myself “ I got this, theya re boys and they will have broken bones” I was calm. 

When we arrived at the hospital the unexpected happened, something I did not even know could happen from a fracture. The doctor and the nurse had an uneasy look to them. Before I knew it, we were on an ambulance being transferred to another hospital. His arm was losing pulse. This was no common fracture, it was compartment syndrome. I’ll give you the wiki-pedia description of it. I had never heard of such a thing. "Compartment syndrome is a limb- and life-threatening conditionwhich occurs after an injury, when there is not a sufficient amount of blood tosupply the muscles and nerves with oxygen and nutrients because of the raisedpressure within the compartment such as the arm, leg or any enclosed spacewithin the body and leads to nerve damage because of the lack of blood supply".

It was 2am, my son had endured  horrible pain while the nurses tried unsuccessfully to relocate the arm. A surgeon was called. As soon as he looked at my son and examined him he looked us in the eyes and said “this does not look good, I’m going to "try" my best to save his arm” and with that he ran inside the operating room with my baby.
My thoughts... "I failed, i'm a failure as a mother, this was my fault because I should’ve been able to protect him. Why did God give this poor, innocent child such a terrible mother?  He fell practically under my nose and now he will lose his arm.  I knew I couldn’t do this, I knew I would fail." Yes the lies again….  

the continuation tomorrow

7 comments:

  1. You are one of the best moms I know...they are blessed to have you.. Sandra

    ReplyDelete
  2. Crazy that even in such chaos you were still so strong in Davids eyes.. He didn't see a mom that 'failed' for one second.. He sought out the mom that was always there to fix it! to make it okay! .. I remember that hospital visit like it was yesterday.. but I wont share what I remember.. cause I don't want to ruin the suspense of what you will share tomorrow.. lol.. :) ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha thanks bro-in-law, you are always of great support!

      Delete