Fear of Failure

Wow, I was not looking forward to writing about this fear, I knew it would take me back to remember some difficult times. As I’m sitting outside on my porch with my cup of coffee and my laptop. I want to tell you that it’s a privilege for me to share myl ife experiences with you. Your daily encouragements thru your inboxes only serve to confirm that I’m sowing in good soil; that someone is being benefited and making my journey worth it. Thank you.

  Fear of failure is a sad lie we tell ourselves over and over until we believe it.  I’ve had to face it quite a few times throughout my life time.  One in particular was before I had  children.  I told myself over and over that I would be a failure as a mom.  I felt that because I’m the youngest in my family and slightly spoiled lol that I would be selfish.  I didn’t know that we have complete control of ourselves when we are grownups.  I could see myself telling my kids “no that’s my popsicle, get your own” hahaha JK I didn’t think I was loving and caring enough to raise healthy children. For years I said that I wasn’t having any. The thought of it terrified me! I could picture my kids going to the Oprah show when they grew up talking about what a failure I was as a mom and how I totally ruined their lives. LOL After eight years of marriage I took the plunge….. Had a child and yes; it was the scariest thing ever!!! The responsibility that comes upon you as soon as the doctor puts that child in your arms is nothing short of overwhelming. I almost wanted to say “put him back inside me, I’m not ready!!” hahaha So no, I wasn’t the sweet angelic looking mom that as soon as she gets the baby, she is completely in love and ready for the challenge.  I was the scared to death mom that had no idea what to do next with this little human that I was now responsible of raising.Lol

Slowly but surely by reading (a lot) and having the help of my sisters I started to feel more confident about doing the “mommy” thing, one day at a time though.  By the time he was three, I started to relax thinking at least he survived, so I must not be too bad. Lol But for years I was unable to shake the feelings of inadequacy that I felt about raising healthy kids.  The thought of being the sole person responsible of teaching this little human about nutrition, manners, spirituality, academics, hygiene, and on and on and on….. as if that wasn’t enough, I also had to make sure they don’t get hurt, that no one hurts them, that they don’t get lost or taken from you. OMG!!! Where the heck was Calgon to take me away!!!Lol  Well now you can understand why I felt like a failure even before I started. I told myself and believed way too many lies. I lived paranoid and terrified every minute of every day…  NOT fun. I thought “one bad thing happens to this child and his life is ruined forever” can you imagine living with that thought!! It was not fun, I can tell you that much. 

As time went on, quite a few things happened that were out of my control.  One in particular shook me to my core.  Nothing could have prepared me for the day my oldest broke his arm.  He was six years old at the time; I was coming to terms with the fact that I just might be able to do this.   I remember I was in the kitchen cooking, the boys where in the backyard (always within my eyesight) or I would go into a panic yelling out their names.  My little one imitates me to the T, not pretty LOL I have to say this, as paranoid as I was, I was never afraid of them getting “physically” hurt while falling or playing. I could see blood and be completely calm and take care of it. It was the matters of the heart that scared me to pieces.  That being said, after a few minutes my little one comes inside the house and tells me that my oldest had fallen off the swing and was on the floor.  I went to check on him, when I looked at his arm, it looked completely deformed.  I called the ambulance and waited for them to come.  Again, I was saying to myself “ I got this, theya re boys and they will have broken bones” I was calm. 

When we arrived at the hospital the unexpected happened, something I did not even know could happen from a fracture. The doctor and the nurse had an uneasy look to them. Before I knew it, we were on an ambulance being transferred to another hospital. His arm was losing pulse. This was no common fracture, it was compartment syndrome. I’ll give you the wiki-pedia description of it. I had never heard of such a thing. "Compartment syndrome is a limb- and life-threatening conditionwhich occurs after an injury, when there is not a sufficient amount of blood tosupply the muscles and nerves with oxygen and nutrients because of the raisedpressure within the compartment such as the arm, leg or any enclosed spacewithin the body and leads to nerve damage because of the lack of blood supply".

It was 2am, my son had endured  horrible pain while the nurses tried unsuccessfully to relocate the arm. A surgeon was called. As soon as he looked at my son and examined him he looked us in the eyes and said “this does not look good, I’m going to "try" my best to save his arm” and with that he ran inside the operating room with my baby.

My thoughts... "I failed, i'm a failure as a mother, this was my fault because I should’ve been able to protect him. Why did God give this poor, innocent child such a terrible mother?  He fell practically under my nose and now he will lose his arm.  I knew I couldn’t do this, I knew I would fail." Yes the lies again….  

the continuation tomorrow

Fear of The Unknown

This week I will like to blog about facing our fears.  After last week’s blog post, I received quite a few inboxes concerning wanting to conquer specific fears. A topic I’m very familiar  with, not from theory but from experience.  Keep in mind that I’m not a professional and only speak of my experiences and life lessons in hopes that through sharing them; I could inspire you to seek your own healing. These are some of the fears I have struggled with in my own life;

Fear of the unknown: afraid to try something new or different.

Fear of Failure: afraid of making mistakes, of feeling inadequate.

Fear of Rejection: afraid of not being accepted for whom you truly are.

Fear of Trust: afraid of being vulnerable; of being hurt.

Fear of Love:  afraid of falling in love and of the commitment it involves.   

I work as an interpreter for several hospitals in the city.  During my almost three years of doing this job I’ve seen it all. From open wounds and childbirth, to death.  This is most definitely a job that makes you reflect on life and on how when you don’t have health; nothing else matters as much. I’ll give you an example of a woman whose fear of the unknown almost caused her, her life.  Carmen, a woman in her mid 40s, had endured a mastectomy in the past.  After five years the cancer returned; along with many other complications.  She came into the hospital with obvious internal bleeding; the skin around the area of her mastectomy was so thin from radiation that I could literally see through her skin.  We spent more than eight hours (while she was internally bleeding) trying to convince her to sign consent for a procedure. Because the doctor could not tell her the exact outcome of her surgery, she didn’t want to get it. She insisted she wanted to know what was going to happen to her; something the doctor could not answer without opening her up through surgery to find out what was bleeding.  Her fear was of not knowing what was going to happen to her. Finally reluctantly she accepted; she spent over seven hours in the operating room. Consequently, since she waited so long to make up her mind, the extent of the damage became worse.  Carmen made it through the surgery, but her hesitation caused her unnecessary complications.   

This happens to us when we are afraid of the unknown. There are times that we know we need a change, we want more out of life; we are not satisfied with our situation.  But the only way we are going to get different results is by doing something different.  

The fear of not knowing the outcome paralyses us to the point that we miss out on great opportunities or we cause more damage to our present situation. Sometimes we have to take the leap and risk the familiar for the unfamiliar to grow.  The outcome may not always be perfect but at least we are headed in the right direction.  This applies to jobs, relationships, and even our health. Unless we try something we won’t know our potential in that area.  In the meantime, while we are trying to decide, life passes us by, we become older and less able.  I know for me a lot of it has to do with control.  I wanted to control things around me to the point of knowing that everything will be ok. Unfortunately, life happens without our permission; tragic things like the loss of my brother for instance.  It’s not until then that we are able to let go and recognize that no matter how hard we try to hold on, life happens. So why not take chances, take risks and try something new. Apply for a new job, go back to school, ask someone out for a date, paint, sing, dance, the sky is the limit. You’d be surprised the things you are good at and had no idea you were. Lol

Share with me if you try something new this week; let me know how it goes. ;0)

Your Life is Bigger Than Your Fears

This week went by really fast; I can’t believe I’m another week older... UGH! Lol Ok so I have to tell you something, I told my oldest that I shared his accident with you; so he asked me if he could write a post. Imagine that!?!? I was so excited; told him he could write tomorrow’s blog; because every Friday I like to put someone different to write the blog. He agreed on one condition; that I can’t see the content of what he is writing until tomorrow. WHAT??  I agreed... Lord Help Us!  On to "my" opinion of the last three fears. LOL

  When we have a fear of rejection we have two extremes; we either live to please or withdraw from people.  We live with the fear that people won’t like us for who we really are.  We try to become who we think others want us to be, in order to feel accepted.  We go out of our way to avoid confrontations, to such an extreme that at times we compromise our principles.  We have difficulty communicating as well as expressing our feelings.  In a nutshell, to overcome this fear we have to accept ourselves for who we are.  This is not an easy task; we are constantly comparing ourselves with others.  Wishing we had their looks, intelligence or wit.  I’m sorry to be the one to say that although we can improve ourselves thru growing; our personality is what it is.  Accepting yourself fully will help you accept that not everyone is going to like us or agree with us.  But, the people who truly care will love and accept you just the way you are. And think about it, those are the people we want in our lives anyway.  We don’t need hundreds of people to accept and love us … all it takes is one; the right one.   Don’t conform to living a life in which your happiness depends on what other people think and say about you.  Be yourself, and the right people will come along.

Fear of trust usually develops from a life event in which our trust has been compromised.  It usually carries with it the feelings of betrayal, anger, and guilt. One of the highest rated events that cause this fear is infidelity. Although I have never experienced the pain of infidelity. I have lived through the horrible pain of different types of betrayals in friendships, jobs, and family. So I can speak about that pain; and it’s not easy to overcome.  Sometimes we don’t receive the apology we want or the revenge we want or even the repentance we want.   So what do we do then? We have to make a choice for our own peace of mind.  Holding grudges only steals your joy and you end up punishing yourself.  By choosing never to trust anyone again, we deprive ourselves of meaningful relationships. In the end it’s our choice to make. To trust or not to trust. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t learn from our pain.   We must learn, do things differently, and CHOOSE to trust again.  “OUR” joy depends on it ;)

                                                               

When we have a Fear of love we usually live in fear of being hurt, fear of commitment, fear of disappointing or fear of loss. Falling in love isn’t easy for anyone, it requires sacrifice, compromise, acceptance and forgiveness. I believe that every time you open your heart, whether it is for friendship or romance you are taking a risk.  I have experienced all of these fears, we all have. What's important is what we choose to do with that fear. We can either learn life’s lessons and grow or rebel and live a loveless life.  I don’t know about you but I believe it’s worth the risk.

“Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.” ~ Merle Sham

 I do not believe for one second that my opinion on these fears will completely heal anyone.  I’m only hoping that it will make you think and want a better life for yourself. Through my words I pray you will gain enough courage to find whatever it is that is keeping you from experiencing life to the fullest and living your dreams. I want you to walk away knowing that you were made by God to have joy, peace and happiness. It is not His will for you to live in fear of anything. He wants you to understand your value and you’re potential….to see yourself through his eyes.

My Oldest Boy Speaks ...

Happy Friday everyone! I pray your weekend is filled with many blessings :)  OK, here it is, my oldests' blog post. LOL I must confess I teared up reading it.  I was amazed when I read his perspective; amazing how we can influence our children without even knowing it.  It is my daily prayer that my children will grow up to be God fearing men.  I still have a long way to go as far as raising them.  I have to believe that their future is in God's hands and that as long as we do the best we can; God will take care of the rest.  Enjoy your weekend, see you on Monday.

Thanks for reading :)

Just to let you know this is a 10 yr old writing to you.   By the end of this I’m pretty sure you will be surprised.  My parents are like no one else in the world they are too good I can’t even explain it.  Let’s start with my dad. My dad is very important to me because he is the one who brought me to Christ, he teaches me how to do everything. How to play sports, swim, ride bikes, and many more things.  He is a minister, and is one of the best person’s I know.  He travels the world bringing people to Christ.   

My mom is special because she is the one that cares for me.  Cleans, does laundry, cooks and does everything in the house.  She makes the house smell good.  She is the best story teller.  Ever since I was little she would tell me stories to make me laugh. I love my mom’s cooking, if you have any questions about food, you should come to her. She teaches me how to cook; last week I learned how to make potato salad, it was better than the one she makes. Lol She is part of the reason why I am who I am today. 

I will now tell you a little bit about my accident. One day I was playing on my friends swing set when I fell and broke my arm.  My parents thought it was a common fracture. But it ended up being compartment syndrome, that’s when a bone comes out of the socket.  The doctor said that he would try to save my arm, that if he wasn’t able to, he would have to amputate my arm.   My parents cared for me, my mom stayed in the hospital with me every day and night for 11 days.  When she told me stories, I would feel better.

One day while I was in the hospital, my dad had to go work.  While he was preaching a lady came up to him and told him that her arm was broken.  He thought to himself, this is what my son is going through.  He told the lady to lift up her arm, knowing that I couldn’t lift mine up.  When he came home from that trip, I showed him how I could lift up my arm; he was amazed.

I think parents should never smack their kids, I have heard of parents that have hit their kids and even throw them against the wall.  My parents would never do that.  By doing this all you’re teaching your kids is violence.  And that is not something you want to teach your kids.  If you are one of these parents please change your ways and talk to them instead; tell them what they did wrong, instead of hitting them.  Give them time-out from what they love to do the most. 

God does not appreciate these wrong doings; when you do, you go farther and farther away from God until you don’t know him anymore.

 

Fear of Failure... part 2

After yesterday’s “emotionally intense” post I needed some comfort food. So I made “Verdura con bacalo” (root veggies with cod fish) Puertorican soul food; works every time. LOL There are some things in life that truly change us and it’s up to us to make it for the better. I’m sure that many of you have had your share of life-changing experiences and therefore know exactly what I’m talking about.  We can either grow or withdraw; the choice is ours and ours alone.  When we have the fear of failure, or any fear for that matter, anything that happens you take it as a confirmation to prove that your fear is legitimate. My mind continued to lie, this was my opportunity to prove it; I was a failure as a mom,  just as I always knew I would be.

While my son was in the operating room, my thoughts were running 100 MPH. So many feelings and emotions: fear, guilt, anger, sadness, desperation, helplessness, and overwhelming anxiety.   That was one of the longest nights of my life; my son was in the operating room four hours.  When the surgeon came out to see us, he said that this was the worst case of “Compartment Syndrome” he had ever seen. He said he did all he could but only time will tell what was going to happen. My mind “what, that’s it, time will tell?? I don’t have time; I’m about three minutes away from insanity sir”. LOL He explained that in order to decompress the arm, to reduce the pressure enough to (hopefully) regain circulation flow; he had to open the arm completely from the arm pit to the wrist.  After that, the arm would have to remain open for a few days (risking infection.) Within that time he would try to close the arm to see what happens.

I didn’t know what to think, I remained numb until I saw my baby coming out of the operating room.  I wanted to tell him that I was so sorry, that I failed him terribly, and that there was nothing I could ever do to make it up to him if he lost his arm.  He looked at me and smiled… showed me a small stuffed animal monkey he had woken up with.  The nurses had placed the monkey under his good arm with a wrapped up arm and a sling, just like his; he thought that was funny.

I stayed strong by my boy’s side for 11 days…. I never left his side.  On the fourth day he was scheduled to go back into surgery to have his arm closed.  During surgery the surgeon came out and told us that the procedure was unsuccessful, he could not close it. When he attempted to; his pulse stopped again so he had to reopen it. I wanted to scream! I thank God for family and friends; they truly carried me through this.  The surgeon continued to say that there was a short time before the arm would develop an infection.  He said he would try one last time in three more days. Those three days were torture; there was nothing we could do to help.  I’ve never seen a braver boy; he didn’t cry, complain or whine.  I, on the other hand, did all of the above…. LOL    

Thankfully the second attempt to close his arm was successful. He wasn’t however able to move his fingers or barely his hand. The nerves in his hand and fingers had been severely damaged so the surgeon didn’t guarantee us full recovery.  He recommended physical therapy for six months and for him to begin using his left arm as his dominant arm.  I felt thankful that he didn’t lose his arm but devastated at the road that lied ahead.   The first time my son had to face his friends, I was a mess.  His scar looked gruesome and to kids, could even look scary. I was worried that he would be made fun of and rejected. I consulted a counselor as to what to do; I wanted to know if he should cover up his scar with a bandage or long sleeve shirts so as to avoid refection. She gave me the scariest advice ever, “let him decide, he has to face it on his own” "NOOOOOO I can’t do that, I don’t want to see my baby hurting more".   Reluctantly I did as told, and he decided he didn’t want to cover up.  

My fear came true, as soon as he faced his friends; they all wanted to see his scar. As I stood hiding behind the door listening, I could hear one of his best friends say “gross that looks disgusting”. I won’t lie, I wanted to run out to his rescue and save the day; but I didn’t.  I could hear my son laugh and say “it’s not gross; it’s what the doctor had to do to heal my arm” and he continued to explain the entire procedure to the kids as if it wasn’t a big deal. Off they went to play as normal as ever. Oh my, this was a huge turning point in my life. I stood at that door and cried my eyes out; thinking about the harm I would’ve done if I had made him cover up.  After only three months he had recovered 100 percent of his movement and was playing little league baseball as a pitcher.  Nothing short of a miracle. A few years later he calls me to his bedroom and tells me “mom, you know what I was thinking? I’m glad I have this big scar because if I told people about my accident and not have anything to show them, they wouldn’t believe me. But with this scar I have proof that God healed me and I’m better able to talk to people about Jesus.”

The lesson, fear of failure is worthless; the only time you fail is when you don't do your best.  I, on the other hand decided to do my very best as a mother.  I refuse to listen to the lies that I'm a failure as a mom.  I saw proof of my hard labor. A boy who is grateful for a scar because it will help him bring people to Jesus is more than I would've ever asked for.  If all I accomplish as a mother is instilling an undying devotion and love for God then I've done my job, and I've done it well.